Questions to Ask Yourself

I have had a few conversations lately that have spurred me to want to write out my thoughts on this matter.

I'm not going to point out one particular choice or decision here, although you may be able to piece together my example from the clues.

Here are the questions I want you to ask yourself (coming from a place of mutual agreement that God exists and can provide personal revelation to each individual):

1. Is it possible that someone could receive different revelation than yourself?
2. Is it possible that God could tell person A to do X and tell person B not to do X?
3. Is it possible that "evidence" suggests person B to be "dumb" for not doing X?
4. Is it possible that everyone is different and needs different things?
5. Is it possible that men (and their studies) don't know everything God knows?


Can you see where I'm going here?

I've made some decisions that may look unwise because they are different or unusual than others' decisions. It has been hard and heart-wrenching to be different or choose something that is so out of the box, but over the few years that I've sat with my decisions, I've come to a place where I realize everyone IS different and Heavenly Father can give us each the information and inspiration for our own lives- and it might look completely different for each person.

In SO many different areas! Even things that I used to think were a "bad" thing don't look that way anymore- for that person, in their life, maybe they need that thing- whatever it may be, even if it wouldn't be right for MY life.

Isn't that neat!? That we could all be following God and doing the "right" decision, even though it is different for each of our lives/families :)

I believe God is aware of each of us and our needs.
I love it.

5 Least Favorite Scriptures- Devotional

This is an amazing devotional given not too long ago in BYU- Hawaii.
We laughed and cried with him as we were kneading sourdough bread the other night.

You will need about 1/2 hour to listen to this but I would so recommend it!

It's about the future. Did you know we have scriptures that tell us what to expect in the future?!!! WHAT?!!! I mean I knew that but I guess I've just been MIA.

Some favorite quotes from this devotional after he has shared his least favorite scriptures:

"Why has God told us these things? Well, there is a lot of reasons but let me share two:
#1 So we are prepared. 
If ye are prepared, ye shall not fear. I really appreciate that scripture.  It doesn't say you don't need to fear, you don't need to be concerned. No, it says you will NOT fear, you SHALL NOT fear.  If you are prepared. There is nothing out there that is all that scary. In fact there is much out there to really look forward to. 

2nd Point: 
So we can put our energy where there can best be effective. 
If a man knows his house was going to be burglarized, he would be pretty stupid to increase his fire insurance. Wouldn't you say? Instead, he ought to invest in some deadbolts or maybe a whole house security system. That would be wise.

The Lord has told us what's coming, therefore we know where to put our efforts....
Though some of the future isn't pretty I want assure you that most of it is downright gorgeous. And we need to understand that side of the story as well."

I want to just quote the whole talk but you better just listen to it from this great man:

What a time to be alive!!!!

https://devotional.byuh.edu/media110726

One last quote:
"We have been preserved for this period and this generation for a reason and that reason is because you and I can do something. We can make a difference in a period where a difference means a whole lot."

If Babes Could Talk

I had a conversation with the baby today.

I'm not going to lie- it's been kind of rough on my end of things with 2 kids at home: I find myself snapping more often at Jay and Grant. Dinner has pretty much gone out the window. And I don't look the same as I used to and I've discovered I am a very selfish person and don't really like where I'm at right now.

So this was our conversation:

Me: Did you know it would be this hard?
E:    Life?
Me: Just having 2 kids now. I get angry with Grant very easily nowadays. I never used to feel this way with him- he always had a patient, loving mother to respond to his every need.
E:    Did you want it to be easy?
Me: That would be nice. It would be great to not feel pushed to the very limit and know what I want to do and how I want to respond but not be able to. I know what I should be doing, I just don't know how. It's come to going in a different room so I can breath through my anger when he does something he knows he shouldn't do. It doesn't bother me if it's an accident and he hurts you or spills something- it's when he defiantly smacks my face or hits you that flames erupt.
E:   If it were easy, you would never be tested.  When you feel comfortable in your ability to respond calmly, that means you aren't being pushed. You would never have to learn to control your anger.
Me: You are one smart girl. So, you wanted to come to help me out with that huh? Okay, fair enough. I just feel I can't be the kind of parent I want to be to both you and your brother at the same time. I don't know if it's possible.
E:   Anything is possible with God. What have you been relying on? Your own strength 'cause that's not going to get you far.
Me: I have been praying- I still feel like it's impossible. Yep, pretty much know my own strength ain't going to do it. What if you have to pay a price for my learning? Why must Grant deal with someone who is learning how to do this. I didn't realize I could be so angry- but he hits you and he's started acting out and I know we need to connect but it's hard when I have to nurse and keep up with dishes and change poopy diapers all day and stay connected with a toddler. How do I connect? He deserves kindness and respect and love, unconditional love.  Why would you have to come here and deal with me learning on you guys?
E:   That's all part of the plan. You did it for your parents and now we come here for you. So you could become the best you can be. We are friends you know and we knew each other before this life. I know you very well.  And you would never become better if you weren't tested. If you weren't wrung out to your very core and refine those hard edges. You are going to become smoother and more beautiful than you could ever imagine or ever dream to be without being tested like this.
Me: Alright- if you say so. I think you are right. I hope I can learn fast though. I want to be the best mom in the world for you and Grant. I want you two to know you are so loved and important and cherished spirits of God that have all the love in the world.
E:    Love you mom.
Me: I love you. So much.

She's so wise.
And I have so much to work on.

Story of Baby #2

Once upon a time Jay and I were very confused in life and unsure about a lot of things.
We were in a situation that isn't ideal for doing much of really anything- survival mode is what I like to call it.
We were just about to move to a new town so Jay could finish school and any change is stressful. Big changes...

That's where faith and a lot of prayer come into action.
I saw miracles happen in my life- wonderful things I never could have imagined.

And then we knew we wanted another baby.

The big question was when?

Of course after we move and get settled.
And of course we must wait until we have a secure job and know we can afford another baby.
Maybe we should just stay close to my parents so my mom can help with the first trimester (remember my pregnancy with Grant- so sick- my mom saved us because I really couldn't handle food).
Let's make sure Jay can be home with me and help with dinners during the first trimester even- that would be good to plan on.
Oh and what about Grant? Is he old enough to have a sibling? He's still so little and needs so much attention- can I handle having another one?

I thought once you started your family, that you would just know naturally and easily when the next baby was to join your family. Maybe it's because we are a student family and finances really do have a big part to play in our decision...Well, there were just so many questions and so many thoughts as I'm sure many people go through when they start a family or question whether or not it's the right time to have another baby.

This is what happened:
We prayed.
And received an answer that we were not expecting: not to wait.
We both knew it and we both felt it was right even though we had no idea how this was going to work out.

So here I was, pregnant and so sick. We were moving.
Things weren't perfect- we ate kind of poorly, I could barely help with packing- Jay was still working.

But it seems as if everything worked exactly how it was supposed to.

We moved,
Jay was home as he signed up for classes and started looking for a job.
Classes started and I started feeling better (around 14 weeks).
Jay got a job as nausea totally subsided (16 weeks). How did this work? How? I was able to have Jay help with things until almost exactly when I started feeling better again.
And even though it looks as if we have to use medicaid again, I am so grateful.
Grateful that even though it's not what we wanted to happen for paying for the baby, that I got an amazing doctor who is respectful of natural childbirth and supports this endeavor that I have.
Grateful that we didn't wait, grateful that I had help from Jay, even in the midst of moving, and that he got a job right after I started feeling better.

And every time I think it might not work or get scared or fearful, I remember that prompting and I know that somehow this little one is supposed to come right now and so far things have worked out just fine. There is a plan and Heavenly Father makes things work when we put our faith and trust in him.

Co-Sleeping: Then vs. Now Beliefs

When we first began co-sleeping with our baby we were new and exhausted parents.

We said we'd give it a try and discuss how it was working for us as a family every so-often and re-adjust as we need.

It ended up being the biggest surprise that we were getting significantly more sleep.

The sleep training book we had read said you can "train" your baby to not want to eat in the middle of the night by just rocking the baby back to sleep and not nursing. The goal being sleep. Everyone needs sleep.

Every new mom is exhausted and all you want is to sleep, you start grasping at anything and everything to try. That's what I did anyway.

And back then I started reading all this stuff on how good it was for the baby to sleep near his mama- giving him comfort and security all through the night.

I read about different types of parenting and this co-sleeping fell perfectly into attachment parenting which is what we had followed not knowing that's what it was called.

I started seeing my baby so happy and we were happy because we got sleep.

I was able to continue breastfeeding when I knew others had struggled to keep their milk supply up. I think night-feeding really just kept the message to my body that I needed to continue making milk. I'm sure there are many things that are factored into this but that's just a benefit that could have been from night-feeding.

I watched as my baby became more independent- seriously just running off- could care less if I'm there. I was shocked the first time that happened at church and someone said, "It's when they feel safe that they do that". So I watch as he feels safe and secure.

I'm not going to lie- I thought I had it all figured out.
Why doesn't everyone do this?
Why does our culture make it seem so wrong to have your baby in your bed?
Why is it hard to believe that it could actually make your relationship with your spouse better? I mean you're getting sleep!
Why are the statistics skewed to make it seem "dangerous". That's what had scared me at first- that I would roll on my baby. I am very confident to say I am very aware of him. And really the co-sleeping death statistics that happen are if you are drugged or overweight or doing it improperly (ie. a couch or arm chair).

So here I was thinking really I did have it all figured out. This was heaven. And when I would tell people this way of sleeping together, they would tell me things to discourage this seemingly perfect solution to sleep and breast-feeding. It felt so normal and natural and it was working. We had to make adjustments, sure- don't you anyway when you have a child? But I was just so surprised that this wonderful natural way could be seen so drastically different by others.
I think I started thinking: I know the way. It's this way of sleeping- I mean look how happy my baby is.

Then, life happens.
And all of a sudden I am humbled so so so humbled.
G got sick and then I got sick then G fell and hurt his leg then we moved.
And while I didn't change the night-time sleeping together as a family situation- a lot of other things changed with the way I "managed" things. I was doing things that I never thought I would do: buying fast, pre-packaged foods, watching TV and movies all day long and not getting things done. I felt like a big fat failure. I knew better yet I just couldn't do it.  And my milk started declining probably with all the stress and it felt like the end of the world.

All of a sudden I really could see clearly.
I could see myself in all the other moms out there who didn't maybe do things the way I had "figured out" was the "best" way.
We as mothers want the best for our children and give it all to them.
We give everything we have and even if we know our child shouldn't watch TV all day, there literally is no other option when we don't have anything else left inside.
We will do anything for them. Anything that we know how to do and can do and that works for our family.

I can see now that co-sleeping wouldn't work for every family and situation. We all live such different lives in different worlds really. And I met a friend who wanted so badly to breast-feed but her baby just couldn't handle it. It hurt the baby. She went off of everything that she loved and regularly ate and still the baby suffered. For three months they watched as the baby screamed and screamed. So finally she switched to formula and guess what? Her baby calmed down and didn't have the stomach issues that she had before.

I never went through that. Yes, G had colic but I learned quick that chocolate upset him and I just had to be careful what I was eating. It was difficult to learn the latch and all but hearing her story just made me wonder if I would have even tried sticking it out as long as she did. Just like I'm sure there are a ton of other things that I am not facing or going through in my life that others are in their family situations.

So while I am proud and will always praise co-sleeping for my family because it has been the greatest blessing and biggest comfort for us, I know that it will not always be for everyone.

Everyone does the best they can in the circumstances they have and just because I believe children feel more secure co-sleeping doesn't mean that another family isn't better at making their children feel more secure in other ways that I might be lacking in. All in all whatever I believe I am grateful to have my beliefs now and not be afraid that it's different. I'm grateful that I get a chance to be a mom and try things the way I feel will be good for my children while someone else gets the same opportunity to grow and love a little person more than herself.

And I see other families with happy children that do not co-sleep. They are loved and cherished and I see that.

I know mothers love their children and when it comes down to it that's what matters. So I might make mistakes and maybe I'm doing something where someone else would say there is a better way but if I'm doing the best I can and loving my children that's all I can do.

And the best part?
Knowing that God loves my baby too.
More than I could even imagine.
So when I don't do everything right, I know he's there to love my child and guide him too.
Somehow, in the end, if you do your best that's all that matters.

And I love this quote, sorry I forgot where I read it and I'll probably butcher it but the message is there- I always turn to it when I'm feeling like I'm failing:

"Always give your best. Some days your best will be 100%. Days when you are ill your best may only be 60%, but it's your best. Just always give your best."

I Never Want Diamonds For Valentine's Day

Have I already mentioned I love being poor? Other than the fact that it can get stressful I am really, really happy not having a lot of money.
Reasons? You want reasons you say.
Okay.
#1 It forces you to get creative. Um... would I ever in a million years save every card board box that enters our place and think of all the amazing things I could do with cardboard?
#2 It has been really humbling.
#3 I am learning my value really isn't based on what I have.
#4 I have become a really grateful person. Gratitude has been somewhat of a weak part of my life and something I didn't know how to really go about fixing. Well, not having a lot and then people being generous to you makes you real grateful real fast.
#5 My faith has been stretched to, well, almost forcing me to have faith. You have to have faith or you become discouraged really quickly. And I've realized faith is a choice. I choose to have faith.


Well, back to Valentine's Day.
What girl doesn't like flowers? Honestly. Unless maybe if you are deathly allergic or something to the pollen? They are beautiful and smell fabulous and just brighten your day right?
Jay doesn't like flowers- he had a hard time coming to grips with the fact that a couple little doodah flowers that last a couple doodah days could make me feel sooooo special. He has bought me flowers before and I loved it of course and felt really special. But of course I knew I wouldn't be getting any flowers this year because it just doesn't make sense to buy flowers over food;) ha ha. So I really didn't know what to expect from the hubs. I knew I could make him something in the kitchen and he would love that.

So I made him some Costco muffins again(He loved them for his birthday) but this time I made super sized ones. And I wrote a little poem about how much he means to me.







And this, this is what I received:

There are 7 and in his note he said he made one for every day of the week he loves me....sweet.

Aren't they beautiful?

Best Valentine's Day ever. This means so much more to me than him running over to the store and grabbing chocolate and flowers. I mean, I like real flowers a lot and I still feel loved but this was much greater.

He took the time to make each and everyone of these. I imagine he is giddy with anticipation and happiness that he is creating this for me. His special wife. And these take some time to make so I imagine he was thinking about me and his love for me while he hand crafted these. It just makes my heart melt a little.


I know someday we will have money. Well, that's the plan at least with Jay going to school. I know we will have it but I don't want to lose this. This creativity and excitement for simple sweet things.

I never want diamonds for Valentine's Day.

"Mommy Time Out" and Bonding with Baby

I was having one of those days.

A day where I felt sorry for myself.

I can't do the things I used to be able to do I moan and groan.

Why can't I just have some time to myself?

I love my baby but I never get an interrupted time anymore.

I just get in the shower and waaah baby needs me.

I just snuggle down in a warm blanket to start this book I've been renewing at the library 2x already.
I want to run to the store easily and quickly getting my shopping done.
How do mom's use the restroom while out in public when the baby doesn't fit in the infant car-seat anymore and you are by yourself? How? HOW?

I want to do my hair.

I want to do the dishes.

I want to write on the blog.

I want to talk with a friend.

I need to sleep.

Have I been wearing this same sweatshirt for 3 days now? I need to change my clothes!

Oh don't get me started on laundry that needs to be done.

I just cut up the onions and got everything ready to start cooking for dinner.

Are you getting the picture here? I always am wanting to get something done and right as I'm doing it, all of a sudden I can't and I feel trapped. I feel overwhelmed sometimes. Maybe I'm not cut out for this mom business- Then Jay comes home finally and HERE take the baby before I go crazy! Of course guess what happens when he is caring for the baby? I wander in and end up playing right along with them. Of course.

I was taking a photography class every thursday night for a few weeks and that was my "break" from putting the baby to bed. Jay got to feed him and put him down for the night. But guess what? As hard as he would try, some nights I would get back by 9 and the baby would still be up so I would end up doing it. 

This feeling has been building and building inside of me and all I want to do is do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I can't because I have this new responsibility to be available all the time for whatever this little person needs. My body doesn't belong to me anymore, my brain- at least that's how it feels a lot of the time- I am a wife and a mother and where did myself go?

I talked with my cousin the other night who assured me that is how all mothers feel some of the time and sometimes we hate our jobs and mumble and grumble.

And this has nothing to do with the love I feel for the baby or wanting to make him happy and be there for him, whatever and whenever. Because I want all of those things too- it's just a transition from being yourself to belonging to something else entirely.

And then I stumbled upon this and I am putting the whole thing on here because I love it so much but I will also just highlight some of the key points:

What to do when you crave a Mummy ‘Time-Out’

November 1, 2012

By Chaley-Ann Scott

You have had four hours sleep, the house looks like you’ve been burgled, the kids are screaming at each other, and the baby has colic.  We have all been there and it’s not pretty.  You feel overwhelmed, under appreciated and – let’s be honest- R.E.S.E.N.T.F.U.L.  You want – no CRAVE- time away.  Time to recharge, time to be yourself, time to not feel like a raving lunatic mummy – for just a short-while.  You have fantasies about reading a book in peace, wearing a pretty dress (minus the stains), or having an uninterrupted conversation over a long, calm, adults-only lunch. This isn’t a good head space to be in, it can feel so imprisoning, yet we all feel it at one time or another.    What are we encouraged to do about it?  Modern parenting advice tells us to seek out, and actually insist, on that ‘Mummy Me-Time’ away from our kids. We are told it is vital for us (it helps us to recharge and have interests outside of motherhood) and important for our babies and young children (they learn to be independent from us).

But is it really such a good thing all-round, and does it even work? In my opinion it is a big fat NO to both. What I have learnt from my own experience as a mother-of-four, and as a parenting counselor working with many mothers in this situation, is that grappling for time apart from our kids often leads to more frustration and upset all around.  It rarely recharges us enough, as promised, to feel better when we come back and we are stuck in a vicious circle of craving more and more (and feeling frustrated when we can’t get it).

Children typically react in various negative ways too due to our absence from protesting widely when we leave, to being very clingy or challenging when we return.  Why is this? Because when they are young children only want to be once place – by our side.  By the time kids reach puberty, certainly, they’ll be able to understand other people have needs too. But if they reach puberty experiencing that the way to meet needs is by ignoring someone else’s, that’s how they’ll treat others. Expecting to make time for one’s self with multiple young children is an unreasonable expectation. It may be possible if the children have a strong attachment to someone else, but in most cases they just want mum!.

I understand that moments away have value but the more we hold on for time away – for an hour, just an hour, to ourselves – the less we enjoy our moments with our kids.  Getting a ‘Time-Out’, even for an hour may help in the moment, but it sure won’t fix it.  It is like sticking a band aid over a severed limb.

So what can we do to retain our sanity?  Switching gears from needing a ‘Mummy Time-Out’ to refuel to being able to refuel by being even more present with our kids is a much more practical solution. The fact is when our children are young learning how to be contented, to be happy, to get joy from being with them is pretty pivotal. But how can we make this shift in consciousness when we are at our wits end?   Ironically enough what really does help is to do the exact opposite of what we feel we need ‘in the moment’.

Rather than run for the hills, actually get down to their level and really be with them. Bring them food, play a game, sing, chat, dance, read, tickle, run around outside – whatever helps us to reconnect. It sounds trite, but remembering to savour those moments, and remind ourselves that loving our children right now is something we really want to do is so important.  It is something we chose and many people aren’t lucky enough to have what we do.  That’s the kind of voice to add in and listen to any moment we feel frustrated and are getting wrapped up in the ‘hassle of parenting’.  Rather than focus on changing them or getting away, we can focus on changing our perspective.  Not once-and-for-all-forever – that’s too overwhelming – but a small step, just right now.

Does this approach really work?  Many of the mothers I work with say it helps enormously.  When my oldest child was small I honestly didn’t have these skills at first as it just didn’t come naturally .   In fact it was excruciating.  I loved being a mummy but as an avid reader I craved stretches of time to do that and I HATED being interrupted.  I kicked and screamed, mentally.  I wanted my brain back.  However, once I started to step away from the expectation that I *should* have stretches of time to myself I found I could snatch little moments throughout the day which helped me recharge – a deep breath, reading an email, looking at the sky – and completely accepting that I could and would be interrupted.  I also got into the habit of relishing those moments, no matter how small, as well as appreciating being able to really play with my kids and reminding myself they wouldn’t always need me this much.  It took practice for sure but the rewards are immense.  It just takes mindfulness and courage to ignore the rest of society who actively encourage us to push our children away at the earliest opportunity and start pulling them closer to us – even when it might be the last thing in the world we feel like doing at that moment.

Chaley-Ann Scott, BA (Hons), IIS, ISA, is a sociologist, writer, parenting counsellor, and mother-of-four. She is a contributing editor to The Attached Family (Attachment Parenting International magazine), and a regular contributor to The Natural Parent Magazine, Mothering, The Green Parent, The Mother, The Child, Kids on the Coast and Otherways. Her first book, The Shepherdess: A Guide to Mothering Without Control,  is available in all good bookstores or online at www.wombatbooks.com.au orwww.asktheshepherdess.com.

It's from the Natural Parent Magazine which you can check out Here.

So, so good right? Even if you just read the highlighted portions;)

So I have noticed that a lot of the time I want to plan something to do with Jay or with my girlfriends or with my sisters and we talk about things and then I go, "oh yah, a baby can't do that" and end up feeling like I can't do anything anymore. 

Well, guess what? It takes some creativity but I have been thinking of ways to include the baby into fun activities. Instead of Jay and I going to a movie, we plan an outing where the baby could enjoy to see what is going on as well (excluding date nights of course which I also think are really important for Jay and I to reconnect after a long week).

If I need to get something done around the house I have been strapping the baby to my back so he can come along and see what I'm doing. This is my new goal. 

What is it to be "bonded" to someone?

It feels right when you are together 

and wrong when you are apart.

This is my wish.
I wish to be bonded, bonded to the people that are most important to me.

So when I am interrupted during something I "want" or "need" to be doing:
(i.e. doing my hair, reading a book, sleeping blah blah blah)

I want to jump for joy that I have another chance to
hold my little one close
and sing songs
 and make him
laugh
by dancing like a lunatic
and tickle his little toes
and smother him with kisses on those
chubby cheeks
and love those little arms that
cling
to me so desperately
and bask in his slobbery
kisses he gives to mommy
and know that tomorrow he is growing up
I won't have him like this
in this moment
ever again.

2 weeks old here:

Epic Fail- Our Family Outing

We planned an awesome hike today.

Jay has been working and working and working. A LOT. I never even see the guy anymore. He's got crazy classes going on including Calc 2 and Physics and he's still working his part-time meter reading job. I don't know how he is doing it. I know he needs a break once in a while and we said that Saturday would be our day to go and do something fun together- as a family! I knew just the thing!!!!


The plan:

Drive to sundance 5-5:30
Start on trail to Stewart Falls 5:30, baby sleeping in the Ergo carrier (he loves to sleep in there).
See beautiful fall trees, enjoy brisk fall air and see beautiful waterfall. 5:30-6:00
Leisurely make our way back to car laughing and frolicking in the bright colored leaves as we take pictures and capture our magical happiness. 6:00-6:30.
Drive back home refreshed and energized with awesome pictures of our day out in the canyon together as a family.

What ended up happening:

Where is it? Oh, we need to google map it. Does that map make sense? There should be signs once we get up there right- okay well it gets dark at 6:45 so we better just go.
Grab bunch of snacks, diapers, jackets, water bottles, etc. Stuff in backpack- great.
Drive to canyon 5-5:30
Get lost...5:30-6:00
Pull over at random cabin parking lot that hopefully nobody comes out of while I feed the baby in the car right in front of a hot tub. 6:00
Frustrated, knowing it's going to be too dark now, we start heading back promising each other we will look next weekend. What a wasted drive.
Baby starts screaming his head off- he should be sleeping right now.
I climb over the seat into the back while Jay stays on the narrow dirt road so I can try to tell the baby nobody was murdered. I soothe and "comfort" baby who only manages to scream louder. He screams and stares at me with eyes saying, "Why are you not helping me? I thought you loved me????!!!"
6:00-6:30 Screaming, teary child, mother with a broken heart that I can't hold him in the car.
6:30 pull over and put take baby out of car-seat  *BURP*. crying stops. shouldn't I know the "burp cry" by now? why didn't I know that he was in pain. guilt for being a horrible mother.
7 pm get home exhausted and overwhelmed. Put way too tired baby down for a nap knowing that going for a nap right now means he won't go to bed at 8 and his sleeping schedule is totally messed up.
Family frustrated. No happy memories, no fun. Plain old tired exhausting, total misery.

EPIC FAIL.


On a good note, because who wants to end on that depressing spell?:


 I can eat chocolate again!!!! I ate a brownie AND some chocolate chip cookies on Friday night and the baby was FINE!!!!  Usually he can't sleep because of the pain his stomach is in but he was completely and totally fine. He actually only woke up twice Friday night to eat and barely ate anything and went right back to sleep. How can I be depressed now?

I can have chocolate again.

Just the word "chocolate" swimming in my thoughts soothes my soul. I feel better already.

Just try it: just say the word "chocolate".

Good right?

Stories for Baby- The Crosswalk

I would just like to say before you read that everyone is totally okay. I'm good, the baby's good and Jay is good.

Okay, now for the story:

Jay and I were going for our usual walk now that the weather is nice and happened upon a crosswalk on Canyon Road. Today there was a higher volume of traffic so we sat there and waited for cars to either clear or stop-neither of which happened for at least 3 minutes. We waited until it was perfectly clear on both sides to start crossing, and just as we started across, another car had pulled up to the stop sign turning left onto Canyon Road.

I didn't think she wouldn't see me- most people these days see me because I'm huge! Plus, Jay was there too- there was two people, one a little rounder so of course she saw us! I would have reacted faster- I would made some sort of escape plan if only I knew.

The only thought that crossed my mind as she pulled out onto the road was, "She's getting a head start so that she is on the road in case cars do start coming soon."

She began speeding up though as she pulled out- Jay later told me he thought it was someone playing a joke on us- you know "pretend" run you over stuff because they knew us or something.

When I realized she didn't see us and she was speeding up instead of slowing down I knew it was too late to really do anything. I just couldn't believe she didn't see me. I was looking right at her face as the car closed in. I could see the front bumper coming up on me- I don't know when that image will ever get out of my mind- the car coming at me- the woman who couldn't see me- the tires turning faster.

I braced myself- still not comprehending how she couldn't see me right there. I stretched my arms out so the car wouldn't hit my legs and I think it was that instant that she saw me. She pushed on the breaks as the car hit my outstretched arms. I was pushed to the asphalt and fell on my side.

My first thought was my baby-Jay ran to my side and we quickly went off to the side of the road. That was a scene because by then there were a bunch of cars showing up and everyone was stopping and asking if I was alright- Yes, I'm fine! What about my baby?!!! I have a scratch! Then I started bawling hysterically I think because I saw what could have happened if the lady hadn't pushed on her breaks when she did. And all I could think about was my baby- I couldn't think because that's all I cared about.

We did end up reporting the incident- maybe it will help make the crosswalk safer? I actually don't know what to do in a situation like that- I've never thought about it. But since we were reporting it, the old lady that hit me kept asking us things like, "What is the purpose of this? Are you going to try to sue me?" I felt bad for her- sad that that was her first thought- that she was more concerned about us trying to get money from her than she was showing her concern for me and my baby. Honestly I am sure she is a good person and cares about our lives but the way she reacted made me realize what a crazy world we live in where people really do try to take advantage of a situation. All I really care about is that my baby is okay and that she learned to be more careful and if her license does need to be taken away, that she understands it is to keep others safe. I know that must be such a hard thing to give up- being independent. But it's that or someone's life.

I don't really want to dwell on it or think about what could have happened because right now I am so grateful. Grateful I can still feel the little guy kickin' and that there are no broken bones or anything. Grateful that the little old lady doesn't have to live with anything other than worrying if we are possibly going to sue her.

We ended up calling the midwives who told us to go to the hospital and be monitored for a little while just to be sure. They asked me a bunch of questions, all of which were easily answered that nothing seemed to be wrong- just a sore hip and some scratches. The baby's heartbeat was jagged, which they said was perfect-exactly what they like to see and he was moving around like crazy.

When something like this happens to you it really does make you sit and think about how precious life is. It could be gone in an instant. What really matters in life and did you do everything you could? Are you living life to the fullest? Do I really show how grateful I am to my family and friends? Do I really try to serve others and make their lives better or am I just living for me? Also, it has made me reflect on what kind of driver I am and how you really should be so careful. I know I have been distracted before by turning a station on the radio or the phone- yah you only look down for two seconds- but two seconds could be someone's life.

Someone was there watching out for us- maybe we needed this experience to really understand that you can't control everything in your life- that life is precious and to be grateful everyday and to make the most out of everyday. I really hope I can do that because I have such a great life and an awesome family who I love dearly and great neighbors and friends. I am so thankful for all of you in my life, even on this little blog- reading your stories and sharing feelings on whatever- I love it and am thankful!

Jay's idea is what a great story the little guy is going to have to tell about before he was born! He's going to be in his kindergarten class and say, "My mom was hit by a car before I was born!" and all the kids will look at him in awe. It sounds a little more epic than it was.

P.S. Actually I have a pretty good one when I was in my mama's belly:

I was chased by a moose! I should get the details on this again because that's all I really know- that my mom was chased and she hid behind a tree or something and everyone was fine afterwards.

LoveSac and Wild Lady

Being thrifty is awesome. I have actually really enjoyed not having much because it has really started to make me become a creative, cheap, do-it-yourself, find-it-used kind of gal. I have found amazing deals on things that I absolutely love; for example, I found the cutest t-shirt at DI, brand new, and was able to bargain it down to a dollar. A dollar for my now favoritist shirt?

Yes, it's cool.

So when I found out that my cousins had made a giant love sac by using scraps of foam and just a lovesac cover for $20 I was on the boat to make myself one of those. Now, where to start?

I know! KSL- the free section! I'm going to find some free couches, take the cushions apart and voila I will have foam! Perfect, perfect plan.

What do you know? There was a girl on there giving away a few couches and a loveseat. I called her up, she said come on down and just take the cushions- don't even worry about the bodies of the couches. I told her I could come around 4-5 to pick them up and she said she would leave the cushions out on her porch.

I picked up Jay from school and we were on our way. We easily found the apartments where she lives and looked on her porch to see a dinky chair type thing.

When we couldn't see anything else I whined,"Darn it, someone must have already taken the bigger couches! Oh well, we can at least take these." It looked weathered and it's outside on her porch, where she said it would be, and it's a little wet from the rain. Guess this is it.

"Jay, take the cushions and put them in the car and I'll knock and see if there by chance is anymore left that she just didn't stick outside".

I pull off the bottom cushion for him and he starts to take the top one off- oh the top one is sewn to the base- I guess just rip it off. So, *RIP*- he's got the cushions and putting them in the car and I almost leave but then I really wanted more cushions than that so I knock on the lady's door.

"Hi, I'm Aubrey- the one who called about the cushions- were there anymore?"

"Oh yes! Sorry, I forgot to put them on the porch! Let me show you where they are- come along, they are out back."

.......

Wait, what?!

"We just took the cushions from this chair right here on your porch...." I started.

"Oh, no, that's not mine, that's my neighbor's!" She chirped, not realizing what had just happened.

......

I didn't really believe what I was hearing and she was trying to have me follow her I remained planted in the spot. She turned around confused as to why I wasn't following her.

"I....we....took the cushions from this chair- we ripped them off....I need to talk to your neighbor."

The lady just looked shocked-and scared- like she might start crying.

"Oh no! I am so sorry!!!" she whimpered.

Jay is back to join us, oblivious of what is really going on- I tell him we took the wrong cushions and instantly you could see embarrassment cross his brow and then a little anger.

I knock on the neighbor's door and in a big whirlwind the neighbor whisks to the door and sticks her head of wild hair out the door and stares at me with her big glasses, suspicion already in her eyes, and asks with her poorly applied red lipstick lips,

"What do you want?!"

"I came here to apologize..." I start.

"For WHAT?!" She interupts and opens the door a little wider.

I was a little taken aback, considering I was trying to figure out how to go about telling her why we just ruined her furniture. I figured I should just be straight up with her and I didn't think she would wait for the story so I told her in a flat voice, "We ripped your chair".

"Why would you do that?!!!" she thundered.

Man, this lady is scary. I explained that it was an accident, that we thought it was something else and that I was here at her door because I wanted to restitute the accident.

She thought about that for a moment and then promptly started going on and on about what a special piece this was and how upset she was that we ripped it.

I glanced at Jay who just looked like he wanted to punch someone in the face (you must understand he hadn't eaten lunch that day and was starving...anything at this point could make him upset).

The wild lady had a lot of wind and kept going on and on, not telling us how much she had paid for it, so I finally decided to offer something else.

I interrupted her ramblings,"We could look into repairing it if you would like..."

She looked gleeful. "Yes, yes let's do that!"

Okay, so she doesn't look like she's going to grab my throat anymore; we must be making progress. We exchanged numbers and I told her I would look into the repair and get back to her in a few days.

Now, what happened to the other lady? She felt horrible of course that she was part of the confusion and offered to pay half the fee of repair, which helped us feel a little better that she took some responsibility for this craziness.

Long story short?

The next week we took it into some upholstery repair shop and were told it would be $70 to sew the cushion back onto the back part of the chair. To make it look really nice, they would have to do a lot more taking it apart and sewing it back together which would be around $250. We took the $70 option because the tear was in the back and as long as you can't see it, it should be fine.

$70-Yep. Thinking that could have bought a used LoveSac. Pretty sure. Worth the story? Maybe someday....

Pioneers must have been really cold

I know you hear stories all the time of the pioneer's trials and hardships.
I guess it just hasn't become real to me until recently as the cold weather has begun to roll in and Jay and I chop firewood to keep us warm at night.

Even the trek didn't make me really sit and think about what it really must have been like for them.

Well, the Bungalow, as you know, isn't fully equipped with today's wonderful conveniences that we like to call necessities- like a bathroom and heater for example. So at 3 o'clock in the morning when you gotta go, it isn't just roll out of bed, stumble to the bathroom 5 feet away.

We are talking get up in the freezing cold (we've gotten better about making good hot fires that last all night so that part isn't so bad) finding some clothes to put on and a coat and shoes and walking outside, crossing the yard to the door to the main house.

Oh wait, how could you forget the key to the house! You knew it was locked and this has happened before; oh yah it's three in the morning and you aren't thinking straight- go back to the Bungalow, grab house key and cross the yard in the freezing cold again. By this time you are pretty much awake and use the restroom and head back outside. Now, fully waking up like this with the freezing cold night chill, you crawl back into bed and you are wide awake.

So this doesn't happen every night but you get the idea. And it just makes me think how easy my life probably still is from the pioneers. I just can't even imagine.
What's going to happen when it snows!?!!! Anybody got any pioneer stories for inspiration? I could possibly be interested in them asap;)

Crushed Headlight

I was furious when I got off from a long days work and discovered someone had run into my car, shattering the passenger headlight.

I thought, "Just because my car is in bad shape and old doesn't mean someone can just come and hit my car and it's fine! What the nerve! Obviously if I drive this piece of junk it means I can't afford a spiffy car- really?!!!"

I stood up to discard the shattered glass that had sprayed all over the asphalt and did a double take to my windshield. My anger fled and was replaced with shock to find a note there.

"I am so sorry I hit your car" with a listed name and number.

Relief and gratitude were my first two emotions and I called the girl up to arrange getting the light fixed. I profusely thanked her for her honesty. Her husband actually works as mechanic so I was able to bring the car to his shop to get it fixed up.

I was again impressed when he not only replaced the broken headlight, but took a little extra time to replace my grill, which had been broken previously, and my bumper, which had been holding on by a thread, and tighten the battery so it wouldn't jiggle around and become unhooked. He spent three hours fixing all of this stuff and apologized for his wife hitting the car.

Why was I so surprised that someone in the world is honest and goes above and beyond the call of duty? I am so so grateful and blessed and now know from experience that yes, there are still good people out in the world.

Why do bad cars happen to good people?

This question has crossed my mind more than a few times these past couple of weeks.

However, if my car had not broken down I would never have known about all the people who would lend a hand and help me out when I needed it.

The day after my car broke down I was supposed to start working at a new physical therapy clinic and I told my new boss, Kim, my situation and she offered to pick me up and drop me off. Ya, my boss did that.
Then, at this new workplace during lunch I didn't remember to bring a lunch so the receptionist insisted I take her car somewhere so I could grab something. I didn't even ask and I wasn't making a big deal about not eating- she just offered.

Then everyone was always like, "You don't have a car, let me get you some lunch!"

I don't know, I saw a lot of good in a lot of people, and it made me humble and accept help getting around. I had to and it's good for me.