Personalities. Welcome to My Heart And Brain.

Have you heard of the book Aura Personalities?
This book is AMAZING.

Like amazing 

amazing

amazing.

I've taken personality quizzes before and tried to figure out my ideal career and what makes me tick but you guys- when I read the chapter in here called "Indigo-Crystal" it was like someone took my heart out of my body and looked into my soul and read it and wrote down what they saw. I mean every sentence just HIT home like SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS MY HEART!!!!! I've never even been able to put into words how I feel and SHWOOP!!! Someone just scooped out my feelings and explained all of them.  

Staci Sadler is the coolest. Check out her website: http://www.aurapersonalities.com/ 

She has some amazing gifts to be able to write this book. 

If you know me or want to know me, here we go :)  I am who I am. This is me. My mom kind of laughed because she's like, "why are you letting someone in a book tell you who you are?"  It's not like that- like I said, it's been me reading it and my heart just jumping and shouting at me: "YES!!!! This is you!!! . 

Can I give you a glimpse at my personality?

I am primarily Indigo-Crystal with secondary Yellow.
What does that mean?
I'll tell you:

Indigo-Crystal is the "Commander" personality. Yep. (You have to know when I first read this I was ashamed and sad that I related to it- I didn't like it! I want to be the soothing person who is just friends with everyone but here we go- this is it and there are reasons why everyone is so different). 

Here are some quotes from the book:

COMMANDING CHANGE

Indigo-Crystals do not have the luxury of denying what is. Truth is an active taskmaster for them, and will not let them alone. Their job is to be brash and direct. You cannot wake sedated masses with soothing words; shaking and shouting are in order, and Indigo-Crystals are the ones to do it.

DIRECT IN WORD & ACTION

Indigo-Crystals power-punch clear, direct truths to the minds of anyone and everyone within their reach.

Indigo-Crystals say things that are disarmingly abrupt and direct. They use powerful, succinct and oftentimes very authoritative words without prepping people for the weight of them. Much to their dismay, Indigo-Crystals make people uncomfortable with their directness. This is hard for them to accept about themselves, though most of them are aware of it- it is hard to miss people getting rattled right before their eyes.

*This is where I started crying because I see people all the time get so rattled by anything I say- it's just I don't have the skills (or gifts) to prepare people for information- I just have the info so I shove it at people- very much like force :) Do you still love me people out there? Just wait...there is more....

People are offended less by content than by delivery with Indigo-Crystals. Although content can be quite abrupt, it is timing and the asking that is often missing in the delivery. They just do not think before they speak. Thoughts come into their minds fully formed and they share them immediately, and fully.

Here's some more section titles on this personaltiy type: Don't you dare laugh!

FEEL UNAPPRECIATED

SOCIAL RULES ELUDE THEM

Okay you can laugh about the social rules thing....yah....I get it...they do elude me!!! ha ha!!! Most of you- my friends and family get the social rules thing and are very kind and forgiving of my lack thereof so thank you.

It says this about the social rules thing:

...they watch closely for cues but feel frustrated and out of their depth when trying to mirror them, annoyed that such rules even exist....They watch for loopholes in the system and, if there is a way to abolish unnecessary social rules, Indigo-Crystals will find it, and liberate the rest of us when they do.

So that's a neat twist on it right? So when I figure out which ones we don't need, I'm going to toss those aside and make it easier for you too- do you know Anne of Green Gables? She totally is the peculiar one and does not abide the "rules" set that everyone has on how to act. She is my example for this- I hope I can be like her!!! I just love her.

Here are some more:

LITERAL & HONEST

REACTIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

HYPER-PRESENT & SINGLE-FOCUSED

LEARN SOCIAL RULES ONE-ON-ONE

TEACHERLY DEMEANOR

GUARDED & SERIOUS

LOST & FOUND
This section talks about how there are extreme feelings of knowing-it-all to feeling completely lost. When lost, draw inward, when found share everything with everyone. Totally fits.

MORAL COMMANDERS

...They will usher in monumental change, not by force but by relentlessly broadcasting the error of our ways, and educating us about the actions that we need to take, until we take heed. It is their gift, their job, their mission, and they have to do it regardless of the consequences. Indigo-Crystals want to live truthfully. They want to say what they think and what they know, and they want the same in return from the whole world. ...(their)intentions are pure. They do not wish to offend but they do wish to extend truth. They think they are making statements in calm words, but we are experiencing megaphone blasts in the face...

So this is me being totally vulnerable and just letting you see me. There are am. I'm sorry about the blasts to the face. I really am- but finally reading this book, I can see that the world at large needs me- like I have a mission here. I belong here. There you have it. Nice to finally get that out there so you know who I am and hopefully can just give me a little patience as I practice my so called "gifts" of this personality I have. 

Luckily for me, I also have Yellow personality right there with this one- you are familiar with yellow I think? Happy, social, out-going, FUN.  Thank goodness for the yellow part of me that helps out with this other one. 

Yellow is the Motivator:!!! Yay!!!

SUNSHINE
Yellows are like the sun, radiating warmth to others from their whole being. They shine all of the time, except when they are momentarily eclipsed by sadness, disappointment or frustration- their own or someone else’s. Like a stray cloud moving across the face of the sun, the gloomy mood of a Yellow passes as quickly as it comes.  In fact, they can be called dispersers of rainclouds for the rest of us. With their genuine, lighthearted nature, and natural ability to let go of hurt or angry feelings once expressed, it is difficult to maintain a low mood in their presence

EMOTIONS ON THE SURFACE

Like children, Yellows are close to the source of their emotions. They could not hide them, nor would they think to. The emotions of Yellows, whatever they might be at any given moment, are right on the surface, easily expressed and easily read. Everyone knows exactly how Yellows feel at any given time. They manifest emotions clearly and without guile. Yellows do not harbor hidden agendas or ulterior motives. They are who they are, and it is as obvious as the weather.

EMOTIONALLY TRANSPARENT
Others might call them moody, but really they are just refreshingly transparent with their feelings, even as adults.

TENDER-HEARTED & FORGIVING

LIVE FULLY IN THE MOMENT

PHYSICALLY ENERGETIC

MOTIVATORS

TRUSTING AND GULLIBLE

ABILITY TO BEFRIEND ANYONE

SOCIALLY INTERACTIVE
The key with Yellows is interaction. If they are interacting, they are happy. And they are happy interacting because they feel useful. It is in interaction that their gifts can be fully manifest.

CURIOUS EXPLORERS

KINESTHETIC LEARNERS & DEMONSTRATORS

ENGAGING & INTERACTIVE TEACHERS

TEACHING US THAT MOVEMENT IS HEALTHY

CENTER-STAGE PERFORMERS

PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

PROLIFIC KINESTHETIC ARTISTS

FANTASTIC SALESPEOPLE

HOPEFUL LIGHTS

CHARISMATIC

ACCEPTING & OPEN

THEIR GUT IS A SECOND BRAIN

HEIGHTENED SENSORY SYSTEM

FRETTERS

ENCOURAGE & LOVE THEM

There you have it! The way I understand it is there are a couple colors that influence your personality the most, then you have additional colors that add to your unique personality. There are a lot of people with a primary personality color but you get so many different gifts because there are different parts that make up how they use, say the "yellow" gifts they may have.

So you want to read the book now- and figure out your color? I have to say, it has 

Changed.

My.

Life.

Changed my life! I used to deny my feelings or be too shy to admit I feel something or say something was wrong with me for feeling the way I do and I would be so ashamed of my abruptness or that I wasn't like someone else I love and admire. 

But there is a need in the world for everyone. Every gift. There are weaknesses of course and things to improve with every gift we have but we need everyone's gifts and energy they offer the world. As I've looked at the way the world is going and I'm seeing terrible things happening- I can see why I would have this personality or these gifts, even the social rules eluding me- allowing me to speak, to defend, to stand up for what I believe in and be honest and true with my feelings and knowledge. I know I still have tons to improve on and learn to use these gifts to do the most good- but don't we all? And my gifts are needed and valuable and my energy is this commander energy- but I want to do good and want to bring about change in the world. 

You want to know what I want? Ready world for the BLASTS TO THE FACE?!!!! Cause I'm fired up ready to go!

-People to understand their bodies and how to be healthy- truly heal and have their bodies functioning at top notch, the way God designed us- so many chemicals and additives and everything in EVERYTHING that is being produced nowadays (because it's cheaper to make fake stuff than the real stuff that is actually good and healing for our bodies) is so toxic to our hormone function and the way our synapses in our brains connect and just so so much on how our bodies operate. I know we get to have trials in our life and some people need to go through certain things but isn't it cool to think that God has also provided ways for us to HEAL? Not just cover up, but HEAL!!!! I get so excited.

-Animals deserve to be treated humanely. There are so many animals being mass-produced that are crammed into little cages and they can't even walk because their bodies grow too fast for their muscles to develop to allow them to WALK. And we buy this meat and put them on our tables and eat them. Not that we want that to happen but our food is so far removed from us and we have a billion other things to worry about and we don't want to pay double the price for chickens that were treated nicely that we just ignore that there are animals suffering. And I believe God gave us animals for our use- it's in the scriptures- but I also don't believe we should ever allow them to be treated the way so many of them are. They are living, breathing, FEELING creatures. They are meant to be happy on this earth too.

-To stop abortions- don't even get me started on Planned Parenthood right now. I know God has a plan for every one of those precious souls but it just makes me sick to my stomach that this is going on in our world. That babies are being "extracted" "intact" to allow for more harvesting on non-damaged tissue!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!!!!

-People to know Christ.  I haven't really known Him and when you finally start to understand that He is SO REAL- you want everyone to know about Him.  You want everyone to know what He has done for us. There really is someone, our brother, who did this act that I don't know if anyone can fully understand or comprehend- but he made it possible for ME to change. I have had a lot I've needed to change and the only way I'm able to do that is through Him. There are a lot of tools and things out there to help in the process but ultimately the only way for us to really ever change is to use the atonement. There really is something called the atonement- this powerful act that someone pure and perfect and loving did for us so we could change our bodies/minds/hearts/spirits/lives and return to Heavenly Father. We came here to get all these tests and go through all these emotions and hard things and we CAN get back- through this thing that Jesus Christ did for us. HE IS THE WAY!!!!!

I have plenty more messages- I just know that I'm not ashamed anymore for who I am and why I feel so strongly about things. I'm so grateful for learning about why I am the way I am and how I can continue learning about how to use my gifts for good. I know there is a reason I'm on the planet- I belong here for some reason and the world needs my energy and my passion and my drive. 

And we need YOU too!!!! 

YOU BELONG HERE!!!!! 

Did you already know that?!!! 

Good if you did! And if not, join the party. 

Whoever you are reading this and read to the very end (ha ha longest blog post ever? Totally worth it though right?!!!!)- I just want you to know that you also have special gifts and energy and you belong here. There is a reason for everything that has happened in your life to bring you to where you are and you have gifts! We all have gifts! You have a mission and a purpose and gifts to share with the world. If you are confused about them or like me, don't even know that they are gifts and maybe have felt sad or ashamed because of the way you feel about things- maybe look into this book- or pray about it- 

YOU ARE AMAZING!!!!!

Love to all of you <3

Me me me...Identity and Motherhood

Love this:

"It's about the relationship and the bond and not specifically about the behavior you are doing"

^Really like some of this lady's points.

Becoming a mother was like the biggest thing I've ever done. Before that, my life had been kind of purposeless, you know- okay- date, work, go to school, but what am I living for? What is a greater purpose than myself that I'm working towards?!!!

When I became a mom, I found it: my purpose!!! I was so excited to read everything and do my very very best. Like this wasn't just a job, this wasn't just something that happened, this was my PURPOSE. So I dove in and I dove in hard.

I think I wanted what every mother wants for their kids: to give them better than what she had. It's this burning desire to take the good you learned from your own parents and change the things you didn't like and raise children where their world is completely different so they grow and believe different and accomplish more and greater things than you ever could.

What I didn't realize was that the mother still matters. I've been working on changing beliefs and healing a lot of programming I've had and someone I work with asked me what my identity was before kids....honestly, that was the problem. I didn't lose my identity when I became a mother, it's that I didn't really have an identity before and being a mother was it!

And when it gets hard- as in stress beyond what I ever thought was imaginable for a human being to live through- I know you've probably gone through more- believe me, I know some of your struggles and honestly my struggles don't seem that big compared to other people's but I think that's why I have the life I have, because Heavenly Father knew when I would be at my limit and I've been there. Recently in fact.

So my mother came down and saved the day, or the week or just saved everything. She brought some life into my house- some pizzaz and energy I'd been missing. She got me exercising, we got some vitamins and she told me something that has completely changed my life for the better: a message I'd heard and wanted to implement but somehow wasn't ready until now. It is this: "Whenever you are doing something for the kids, make sure in your mind, you are doing it for you too."

So instead of just doing everything "for the kids"- I gotta bring them here and do this for them...make it about me too?

This just went against everything I had been trying to do because I was setting aside my needs for the babies. While I'm proud of the things I was able to accomplish and do, I know my brain has always been about the kids and I didn't know I could do what's best for the kids and do what's good for me! Like claim that I'm doing it for me too. I think I believed being a good mom meant giving up my life for them. Giving up my needs so they could have their needs fulfilled.

So I'm taking G to story-time! I gotta get him there so he can learn and have fun and be around other kids! It's my duty as a mom, I gotta do this for HIM! K....well, what if I also said, I'm going for me to get out of the house and talk to other moms? What if I actually made friends and had fun myself? HA! it's just a novel idea. I don't know why I've been so caught up in the other mentality. But this change has saved me. Like, we are pretty much doing the exact same stuff but now, because I'm doing it for me too- just claiming that, is making it so I am enjoying myself on our outings and having fun myself.

Kids are going outside for a bit?  I bring my coloring book with me! Or my book I'm currently reading. Does that mean I never put it down and run around with them and play? No, but do I have to do that the whole time so I'm a "good mom"? No way! I can color!
Set up the swimpool for the kids in the back? I'll get my swimsuit on and get some sun! For me!
Going to the park? I'm going to get some exercise in- my time! Claim it!
I have to do the dishes? My music!
Dinner and I really need a salad but my kids won't eat it? So they get something super simple while I make a gourmet salad for me- they can try it. And actually Grant LOVES salad now! Weird. And beets. Who would have guessed it?

I've had to change my mentality for Esther- which I don't actually feel that bad about because she's still happy. I used to miss out on things because Grant needed to sleep. I need to be a good mom and make sure he gets to sleep. HA! Yes, let them sleep but they don't have to sleep in their bed in the dark at exactly noon every. single. day. of. your. life. So you miss doing things you want and need to do. Yes, she doesn't get consistent naps or perfect sleep schedule, but she gets sleep and we get to go out and play!!! And I finally got a double stroller that clips the infant car seat in so she can nap in that and seriously that one purchase has saved our lives. I don't have to lug the seat in one arm while trying to wrangle a little toddler.

My life is completely different in just a couple of months because I'm claiming I'm important and my needs are important. In the most ideal world, maybe everything would match up but sometimes, the kids are going to be fine sleeping in the car while you drive to the grocery store. Maybe they might be a little tired at night- so put them to bed early and enjoy a bowl of ice cream with the hubs! AH! Seriously, now I feel like I'm finally getting how to be a mother. And that includes being a mother to yourself. Like, I have this little girl inside of me who wants to enjoy life and I can allow her to play too! It doesn't make me any less of a mother or doesn't mean I'm not giving my kids what they need. In fact, what I've decided is that kids need a happy mom more than anything. Because even if they skip a nap and are cranky, they have a happy mom with energy to take care of their crankiness. It's a balance for sure and I'm not saying just be selfish but just claim that it's okay for you to take care of you as a human being too. We all have needs and there is a human inside of the  mom that has needs too.

I'm still trying to figure out who I am at my core, without any of my roles or titles- who are you? What do you live for? What makes you excited to live and serve and improve people's lives? Why do you love to LIVE?!!!

I still live for being a mother, but my identity is more. Being a mother is what I consider the most important thing I could do with my time and energy at this time in my life. It is a sacred duty in fact.

“When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn’t stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home out of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.” -E.T. Sullivan

Don't you love that quote!!! I know being a mother is the greatest purpose. I know being a mother is my calling, a beautiful duty from God to raise these beautiful spirits, including myself too. That girl inside of me needs to have joy and have her needs taken care of as well.  I claim that my kids can have all the love and nurture that they need while at the same time giving that girl inside me everything she needs. I claim that life is AWESOME and that there is joy everyday to be had for me and the kids...even if it means skipping nap time (or some other horrendous thing that might not be the perfect thing for the kids)!

Your turn- when you became a mom did you have to go through your own process of coming to find yourself? Or re-discover your identity? How did you find your balance of taking care of you while taking care of the kids?! I'd love to hear it :) Please share <3

P.S. Our latest outing together: dressing up as cows- Grant LOVED this! And E slept in her infant car-seat next to us as we had our little mommy son date. And it was so fun! And we got free food! 

When I asked him later what his favorite part of our day was (we had gone swimming this day) he said dressing up like cows! I know, I was like, really? Dressing up like cows and waiting in the crowded line was more fun than SWIMMING? Yep.

The Haircut- Uncovering Me

Hair.
It's such a thing.

Specifically as a woman, hair played a big role in how I viewed myself. And as I came to find out, it was part of my identity!

I've always had fun changing up the color and doing different things and I have chopped my hair off a few times, but only once was it too short to put in a pony tail and it grew quickly so before you knew it I had long hair again.

I know I took the plunge a few moths ago and my hair has already grown a little but I wanted to share something from this haircut. I will tell you what- it wasn't just a hair cut, it was an identity shift.

I was this girl:

To this girl in a matter of a few minutes:

Why? Why did I do it?

And I will tell you, people are very opinionated when it comes to hair. I've been quite shocked at how deeply and strongly people feel about not just hair, but MY hair specifically.

I knew I wanted to do it. Chop it off. I had been wanting to forEVER! I set up a time with a friend and I remember in the shower that morning still struggling with the idea. And I was praying. I really wanted to do this. For me. I wanted to see who I was, without the identity my hair gave me. This was a real thing. To let go of something that defined me. That made me look and feel beautiful as a woman and even a person. To take away part of me- but my hair wasn't "me". So who was "me"? I really wanted to know.

So I did it! I chopped it ALL OFF!

Pretty much felt naked. Like wow.

That was a lot of hair!

My little boy cried and threw a fit- he did not like that his mom was different now. 

Jay's reaction was just to kind of ignore it.

I had my in-laws applaud me (they both have had short short hair) and welcome me to the land of short hair people which was a fun part of this process.

Then I had to go out in the world- to church and social things where people would stare at me blankly and come up with creative things to say because you can't just not say anything when something this big happens- it becomes like the elephant in the room- you have to say something- so I got a lot of "You are so brave." "How could you do that?" kind of talk which was fine.  I didn't cut my hair for compliments. Then I had friends who were brutally honest with me saying things like "You should grow it out." "I like it better long". 

And finally my grandma, who I knew would love it of course did and proceeded to tell all of my cousins that everyone needed to cut their hair- "Have you seen Aubrey's haircut?" she would ask beaming and nodding encouragingly that they do the same. That's always fun to laugh about with the cousins- Grandma and her love of short hair- of course everyone had the pressure now! ha ha!

For me, I didn't do it for the look. I did it because I wanted to do it. Because I wanted to figure things out. Because I wanted to change.

So then came the next few months of really seeing me. My hair had been in the way for me. I don't think everyone gets confused and there are many who can see who they are through things like hair but for me it was like ripping away this image I had for the world. I wasn't what I looked like anymore. I had to figure out who I really am and what I really believe about myself and life.

Do you believe a haircut could really do this?

I have NO idea if this is what other people go through when they first cut their hair like I did but wow. I just can't believe all the baggage and emotions my hair held for me. My worth. My beauty. My perception of myself. My value as a friend. My value as a person and a woman. My "womanhood". Everything went up for question and I got to address a lot of these things one by one as they arose. 

And I'm still working on it!

What did I discover? What did I learn about myself?

So much. Maybe I will save that for another post. But for now, I'm just so grateful. So grateful I got to call into question so many things and face them. I feel like I might actually discover who I really am.  And now it doesn't really matter what my hair looks like for me to see her- to see me. I don't want to let things like hair get in the way for me to see myself or others. Who we really are is so much more.

What if we could see who people really were without distractions like how long or big or beautiful someone's hair is? Or anything physical for that matter. What if we truly could see others and ourselves for who we are inside? Wouldn't our world be completely different?

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

-----C.S. Lewis

Can I just tell you how special it is to know that we are children of God? I am a child of God. A God who loves us and sees us as we are. It is so important for us to find out what God sees of us. That we can talk to him. He can and will talk to us. He can let us know how He sees us. That is the goal here-

How does God see me? I want to see that!!!

I know God lives and loves me and loves each of us. I see Him showing up in my life through others in ways I never expected. I'm so thankful for His hand in my life showing me and challenging me to let go of things and turn to Him for things like letting go of my hair and asking Him to show me my worth and who I am.

Like I said, still working on it but it's a fun ride!