Montana

After 10+ hours of driving with a screaming baby in the backseat- stopping to feed and change him every couple hours- we finally arrived in the Big Sky Country, frazzled and tired to the bone. I wondered why it was called "Big Sky"- isn't the sky the same size anywhere you go?

I don't know if I'm ever going to leave. Not only is it beautiful here but I don't know if I can handle another trip like that one.

We unpacked and lazily slumped on the couch- stretching out our tired cramped limbs and letting our numb eardrums rest.
After dinner the baby went to sleep- a deep calm sleep- one that I know he had been waiting for and I for sure had been anxious for him to get. What do you do in Montana when the baby is sleeping as the sun is setting and the air is fresh? A four-wheeler joy ride of course! So as a couple we took off into the evening leaving with our cell phone in case the baby awakened.

The very first thing I noticed was the sun setting. This was no ordinary sunset-usually they last for a mere 30 seconds of brilliance right? Well, this one lasted for 15 minutes at least!!!! We were immersed in it's glory for our entire ride.

Jay whisked me off to show me the land he loves. We followed the dirt trail starting at the back of their property of 80 acres of field. Before we knew it we were being chased by barking dogs who could keep up pretty well even with Jay putting the pedal to the metal. I was scared of the sharp teeth snapping way too close to my legs and usually Jay would have been shaken up by it but he surprised me by laughing it off. He has some kind of confidence about just being in the state- he is different here.

As we passed those dogs and laughed at the thrill of being chased, we turned a corner only to see a breathtaking view of the sunset gleaming through the sprinklers in the vast green and golden fields of the valley. I couldn't help but let my whole body relax and soak in the vibes of this country. There is a slow mellow kind of vibe here where you know people stop and let life in. This beauty you can't help but absorb into every cell of your body.

Leaning into Jay as the wind danced across my face I realized why Montana was the "Big Sky". In big cities, your eyes wander to the structures and architecture and busy people and parties and flashing lights, but here, here there isn't anything to distract you. Your eyes easily follow the fields to the horizon and on into the sky. Everything just flows together and feels as if everything is connected, making the sky "big".

The sky was still on fire with pinks and purples and oranges as we continued on this seemingly mystical night. The magic continued as we went faster, a baby deer with small velvet antlers bounded from out of nowhere and began running along side us. He ran with us for a stretch and stopped. What a thrill!

Then as we continued down the trail, marveling that the deer had run right beside us, an owl swooped down and flew a breath's distance away from us on the same side- we were soaring with the bird for a spell until he swerved off to the side and turned to watch us pass by. I couldn't believe our nature tour this was becoming.

The last thing I expected was to continue on the same speed down the trail and  to glance down the trail about 20 yards and see a bear in the field next to the trail! The bear was keeping pace with us just as the deer and owl had. The sun glistened off and rippled through his thick fur as he pushed beside us. Soon he slowed as we sped by to my relief.

I think I like it here.
Here's a few pictures from the next day when we did another ride on the trail- it became "our thing" to go for a four-wheeler ride every night after the baby went to sleep. Thanks Nicole, Nancy and whoever else helped listen for the babe so we could go out!!!

I wish to never leave

My favorite thing is the sprinklers: the sound and smell of the water is so calming.

So beautiful.

We planned a hike to the falls but Jay and I turned around when we saw some thunder clouds- maybe we'll make it all the way next time.

He was so into it looking everywhere!

What fun in-laws I have.

This One!

I did it.

Haircut: which one, which one.......mmmm.....

Week 40

May 30th post- the day before my actual "due date"- I know a little late but I just found the pics!

Weight gain: 6 pounds to lose before I reach pre-prego, the baby just sucks the fat right off! It's awesome.

Estimated Stats: Size of a small watermelon
Actual Stats: at his 2 week appointment on May 30th- 8 pounds 2 ounces! That's a pound and 2 ounces past birth weight! He is seriously packing on the chubs- he looks like a completely different baby. Whoa.

It was the smallest watermelon they had-  good thing he isn't that big- I would have been HUGE.

He would have been born today, May 31st at 8 pounds 2 ounces! (Okay so it could be the fact that my milk is pure cream and he wouldn't have gotten that big, but I wonder if he would have reached that) I can't believe these past weeks have gone so fast.


Here are some facts on the little guy:

-he's so strong and likes showing off his muscles- he will pose with one arm above his head and the other stretched out to show how big he is.

-I think we are keeping his name Grant Ray and I'm going to call him Ray or Grant or handsome or angel or sweet baby or all of the above.

-his nicknames so far are "Rayfu" and "G-Ray". Who knows what will stick?

-he still poops and pees RIGHT when you take his diaper off to change him.  I get peed on at least 3 times a day and he ends up with pee in his eye and in his face at least once per day and I now keep towels near the changing table- I'm getting smarter.

-It is a fact that his poop, with the right farting force, can shoot up to three feet away from his butt- at least.

-We love him more than anything in this world.

On Eating and Such....I'm Still Learning...Humble Mom Post

Ever since the hospital I have been the most devoted mom ever in feeding my little guy. 


In case there is any doubt:

Proof of devoted feeding: 7 pounds at birth, 12.5 pounds at 6ish weeks.

But now things are finally starting to click and I wonder why nobody told me a few things here! Why hadn't I read things before the baby was born? I had prepared so faithfully for labor and that is really all that occupied my time.

I had prepared for the wedding but not the marriage...at least that's what I am comparing it to. I prepared for the "big day", the birth, and that was really all that was on my mind. Yes, I got things I thought I would need for the babe and prepared with stuff for his arrival but I had never picked up a breastfeeding book or cared to figure that out until I started breastfeeding.

The book we got from our doctor talks about breastfeeding and says things like, "When your baby is hungry, he'll let you know...He will stop when he is full....Offer the breast before he starts crying when you see the hunger cues..." etc, etc.

I really took the attitude that my baby knows when he is hungry and will let me know. I will feed him when he shows signs of hunger. I want him to feel safe and secure and know that he's needs are being met.

So after the baby went from 7 pounds at birth to 6 pounds, 5 ounces leaving the hospital.  Everyone (as in the doctor, midwife, nurses, family) told me to follow this method of feeding-just offer the breast whenever he looks hungry.

When we went in for our two week checkup he had surpassed his birth weight and was at 8 pounds 2 ounces. We were ecstatic! And the doctor said I was doing everything wonderfully and to keep doing what I was doing. I felt so good. It had been so hard but I felt like I was being a good mom by feeding him so much and having him gain all that healthy weight.

We were champions, my little guy and me! I was doing something right!

His "super hero" pose- he does this all the time.

Then...last night....I was hit.
No smashed.
No smashed, then stomped and then smeared onto the ground.

I visited with a friend who had a baby 3 weeks ago and with us chatting was her mother.
My friend had tried to breastfeed but the baby wouldn't latch after having formula at the hospital so she stuck with the formula. She seemed to be doing great and I was just excited to go over and meet her baby and show her mine and just talk about new motherhood.

What I didn't expect was her mother with all her opinions and bluntness.


The mother went off about how I was setting him up for eating patterns later and she had her handy dandy math equation on how much my baby should be eating throughout the day and on and on.

Every word felt like someone was pulling my heart out and telling me I was a bad mother. I honestly felt so small and felt like my world was coming apart. Here I was day in and day out just trying to keep my baby happy and fed and I was doing everything I knew how to do- I was doing what the doctor said to do: to keep doing what I was doing, which was feeding on demand whenever he looked hungry, and was trying so hard. I am tired and this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life and I have given everything to the baby- all my energy to him. I have let really everything else go as I give all my love and devotion to the little guy and to hear someone saying that I was doing something wrong felt like everything I had been doing wasn't worth dirt and that I was a horrible person.
I was devastated to say the least.
And I was angry too. How dare she!?!!! Just to have it so bluntly shoved in my face and down my throat that someone knows better than me felt like someone had just made me swallow a knife which cut me up but still let me live. I was livid and broken inside. Okay drama queen but really I have never felt that way before.

It was like slaving away at something, giving your all- 110% and being so proud of what you have accomplished, excited to show everyone what you have done, what you have accomplished. Here I was ready to show my beautiful boy and awe at my friend's new little one and instead I was getting a lecture on what I was doing wrong and I felt that my baby nor me deserved any love or celebration.

It was the worst feeling in the whole entire world and I hope I forget it.

On the way home I bawled to Jay and angrily described the events of the visit with him. I was fuming and spurting off flames and waterfalls.

After I got over my anger a little bit I wondered if there could be truth to anything she had said. I decided to look up the link to the article they had sent to my phone.

I began really wanting to know if there was something I was doing wrong. I want what is best for my baby and honestly I do want to know what is going on with him and if I should change something.



This is what I "knew"(thought I knew):

-the doctor told me at the 2 week checkup that I was doing awesome and to keep doing what I was doing.
-that I should feed on demand because that's what I had been doing for 2 weeks.
-that a baby will tell you when he is hungry.
-that I did not want nipple confusion so I did not want to introduce the binky!
-I wanted to continue breastfeeding.
-my baby was extremely fussy and gassy, probably that is how all babies are? I have never had one before- I thought maybe this was just the way it was- maybe it was colic? I was changing my diet constantly trying to figure out what could be upsetting his stomach.
-I literally was feeding/burping/changing all day. I honestly didn't have time or energy left at the end of the day.

What I wish someone would have told me: 

-for the first few weeks, you should be feeding your baby on demand- they need to gain their weight back up and you need to establish your milk supply.
-After your baby is eating well and your milk supply is good then notice the following:
if your baby is gassy/fussy and has green poop then you may have a case of foremilk/hindmilk imbalance.
-Sometimes babies will need to suck for comfort but they aren't really hungry. First try to soothe other ways if you know your baby has just eaten in the past hour- then offer the breast.
-Don't worry about the hindmilk. They will get it once your milk supply has evened off to be what the baby needs because it will adjust to what you are doing. The more the baby sucks=the more milk you produce.

I really honestly believed that if the baby showed signs of hunger (rooting, slugging their cheek, etc) then they were hungry and I thought my baby would be in pain (hunger pain) if I didn't feed him when he showed he was "hungry". I wish I had known about these soothing techniques that I am now learning about in this book my cousin Brooke lent me :The Sleep Lady's Good Night, Sleep Tight.

1. Swaddle

2. Swing/sway

3. Side holding

4. Shh-shhing

5. Sucking (binky)

I cannot say enough of how much I absolutely love these ideas and techniques and it has helped me gain so much confidence that I can give my baby comfort without feeding and really take care of his needs. Also it couldn't have come at a more perfect time because I know my baby is getting enough food and can eat and I can produce milk and now I am learning how much babies need to sleep and how important it is for them to get some good sleep and establish some rituals or routines to help with the process. Also it gives you ages of the baby and tells you what is needed for the age of the baby and what to kind of expect while they are growing during those weeks.

Everyone wakes up every two hours but we don't remember most of the time because we are that good at self-soothing and just going right back to sleep, making it difficult to remember in the morning if we did wake up a few times. Babies don't know really how to put themselves to sleep- to self-soothe and I've always been against the "let them cry it out" method- I hate that! This shows you how you can coach your baby to learn how to self soothe and fall asleep without too many tears.

Now:

I now feed him every 3-5 hours (it varies sometimes) but now I have learned how to really meet his needs better and I was worried I wasn't going to know when he's hungry but I know. He has a "angry suck" on his binky and I can usually guesstimate with how much time has passed if he truly is hungry.  He is so much happier and hardly has those gassy problems. He still has his fussiness times and now this seems more normal- what a normal baby would probably act like. I am so relieved. he looks healthier too-not so bloated.   He is such a happy baby and really has just needed comfort (other than eating comfort) and more sleep. I couldn't have imagined it could be this easy.

We have a bedtime routine that starts around 8 where we give him a bath, baby massage, feed and sing to him while we rock in the rocking chair. I then put him in his bassinet when he is drowsy but still aware. The book says if a 1 is wide awake and a 10 is deep sleep, you put them down at an 8.  It has been working marvelously. And you really don't have to be perfect- just consistent and not every time they fall asleep but at least one nap and at bedtime.

As I am typing this up he started to wake up in his bassinet downstairs- I have the baby monitor- and I heard him making some noise and now he is quiet again! He put himself to sleep. This so works. I can totally do this and I can totally have a life again while enjoying my baby! I am ecstatic.

All in All

I could beat myself up that I was feeding him too much and not giving him the binky and thinking I could just instinctively know what to do (I have, it's hard not too!) But really I did the best I could with the knowledge I did have and now I have more knowledge so now I can do better. This was a great lesson that I can keep myself open to suggestions, then choose what feels right with my child.

Thanks for the book Brooke! I still don't know if I can go up to my friend's mother and thank her for making me feel like a horrible person, but I know I can thank her for helping me see that I don't know what I'm doing and I do need help sometimes. I am grateful to have a healthy, happy baby and hope I can continue to use other mother's and their wisdom on how to raise a newborn.

 I am now officially welcoming anything that you wish you had known that you now know that you would like a new mom to know.

Ready. Go. ;)

Special

I just got back from Walmart where I printed off $20 of pictures of the baby.
Uh...yikes...
 I might be going a little overboard and want to print every single photo I take of G so I decided to quench my picture thirst I must post a few more. So there are a lot more pictures that my little sister took when we did our "professional photos" in our living room with the baby when he was I think 10 days old (he may have been 2 weeks but now I can't remember!) Anyway I was about to put a bunch on facebook but realized I actually don't want them on facebook- they are almost too special to me. But I still would like to share a few more from that day with my little group of blog people. Enjoy!

8 Weeks!

 8 weeks in a couple of days and as my mother says, "Looking more like a 'real' baby!" He does so many expressions. Here's a few from last night:

He imitates when I stick my tongue out, he will stick his out back at me!

Excited.

Paying attention, learning face.

Cute lips

He breathes really fast and makes this face.

So sweet.

Those eyes pierce the soul when he looks right at you like that.

He is so handsome.

Cute learning face.

Personality! Love this look!

Surprise!

Week 7- Thinking Pictures

He fell asleep like this. How adorable can you get?