Questions to Ask Yourself

I have had a few conversations lately that have spurred me to want to write out my thoughts on this matter.

I'm not going to point out one particular choice or decision here, although you may be able to piece together my example from the clues.

Here are the questions I want you to ask yourself (coming from a place of mutual agreement that God exists and can provide personal revelation to each individual):

1. Is it possible that someone could receive different revelation than yourself?
2. Is it possible that God could tell person A to do X and tell person B not to do X?
3. Is it possible that "evidence" suggests person B to be "dumb" for not doing X?
4. Is it possible that everyone is different and needs different things?
5. Is it possible that men (and their studies) don't know everything God knows?


Can you see where I'm going here?

I've made some decisions that may look unwise because they are different or unusual than others' decisions. It has been hard and heart-wrenching to be different or choose something that is so out of the box, but over the few years that I've sat with my decisions, I've come to a place where I realize everyone IS different and Heavenly Father can give us each the information and inspiration for our own lives- and it might look completely different for each person.

In SO many different areas! Even things that I used to think were a "bad" thing don't look that way anymore- for that person, in their life, maybe they need that thing- whatever it may be, even if it wouldn't be right for MY life.

Isn't that neat!? That we could all be following God and doing the "right" decision, even though it is different for each of our lives/families :)

I believe God is aware of each of us and our needs.
I love it.

Me me me...Identity and Motherhood

Love this:

"It's about the relationship and the bond and not specifically about the behavior you are doing"

^Really like some of this lady's points.

Becoming a mother was like the biggest thing I've ever done. Before that, my life had been kind of purposeless, you know- okay- date, work, go to school, but what am I living for? What is a greater purpose than myself that I'm working towards?!!!

When I became a mom, I found it: my purpose!!! I was so excited to read everything and do my very very best. Like this wasn't just a job, this wasn't just something that happened, this was my PURPOSE. So I dove in and I dove in hard.

I think I wanted what every mother wants for their kids: to give them better than what she had. It's this burning desire to take the good you learned from your own parents and change the things you didn't like and raise children where their world is completely different so they grow and believe different and accomplish more and greater things than you ever could.

What I didn't realize was that the mother still matters. I've been working on changing beliefs and healing a lot of programming I've had and someone I work with asked me what my identity was before kids....honestly, that was the problem. I didn't lose my identity when I became a mother, it's that I didn't really have an identity before and being a mother was it!

And when it gets hard- as in stress beyond what I ever thought was imaginable for a human being to live through- I know you've probably gone through more- believe me, I know some of your struggles and honestly my struggles don't seem that big compared to other people's but I think that's why I have the life I have, because Heavenly Father knew when I would be at my limit and I've been there. Recently in fact.

So my mother came down and saved the day, or the week or just saved everything. She brought some life into my house- some pizzaz and energy I'd been missing. She got me exercising, we got some vitamins and she told me something that has completely changed my life for the better: a message I'd heard and wanted to implement but somehow wasn't ready until now. It is this: "Whenever you are doing something for the kids, make sure in your mind, you are doing it for you too."

So instead of just doing everything "for the kids"- I gotta bring them here and do this for them...make it about me too?

This just went against everything I had been trying to do because I was setting aside my needs for the babies. While I'm proud of the things I was able to accomplish and do, I know my brain has always been about the kids and I didn't know I could do what's best for the kids and do what's good for me! Like claim that I'm doing it for me too. I think I believed being a good mom meant giving up my life for them. Giving up my needs so they could have their needs fulfilled.

So I'm taking G to story-time! I gotta get him there so he can learn and have fun and be around other kids! It's my duty as a mom, I gotta do this for HIM! K....well, what if I also said, I'm going for me to get out of the house and talk to other moms? What if I actually made friends and had fun myself? HA! it's just a novel idea. I don't know why I've been so caught up in the other mentality. But this change has saved me. Like, we are pretty much doing the exact same stuff but now, because I'm doing it for me too- just claiming that, is making it so I am enjoying myself on our outings and having fun myself.

Kids are going outside for a bit?  I bring my coloring book with me! Or my book I'm currently reading. Does that mean I never put it down and run around with them and play? No, but do I have to do that the whole time so I'm a "good mom"? No way! I can color!
Set up the swimpool for the kids in the back? I'll get my swimsuit on and get some sun! For me!
Going to the park? I'm going to get some exercise in- my time! Claim it!
I have to do the dishes? My music!
Dinner and I really need a salad but my kids won't eat it? So they get something super simple while I make a gourmet salad for me- they can try it. And actually Grant LOVES salad now! Weird. And beets. Who would have guessed it?

I've had to change my mentality for Esther- which I don't actually feel that bad about because she's still happy. I used to miss out on things because Grant needed to sleep. I need to be a good mom and make sure he gets to sleep. HA! Yes, let them sleep but they don't have to sleep in their bed in the dark at exactly noon every. single. day. of. your. life. So you miss doing things you want and need to do. Yes, she doesn't get consistent naps or perfect sleep schedule, but she gets sleep and we get to go out and play!!! And I finally got a double stroller that clips the infant car seat in so she can nap in that and seriously that one purchase has saved our lives. I don't have to lug the seat in one arm while trying to wrangle a little toddler.

My life is completely different in just a couple of months because I'm claiming I'm important and my needs are important. In the most ideal world, maybe everything would match up but sometimes, the kids are going to be fine sleeping in the car while you drive to the grocery store. Maybe they might be a little tired at night- so put them to bed early and enjoy a bowl of ice cream with the hubs! AH! Seriously, now I feel like I'm finally getting how to be a mother. And that includes being a mother to yourself. Like, I have this little girl inside of me who wants to enjoy life and I can allow her to play too! It doesn't make me any less of a mother or doesn't mean I'm not giving my kids what they need. In fact, what I've decided is that kids need a happy mom more than anything. Because even if they skip a nap and are cranky, they have a happy mom with energy to take care of their crankiness. It's a balance for sure and I'm not saying just be selfish but just claim that it's okay for you to take care of you as a human being too. We all have needs and there is a human inside of the  mom that has needs too.

I'm still trying to figure out who I am at my core, without any of my roles or titles- who are you? What do you live for? What makes you excited to live and serve and improve people's lives? Why do you love to LIVE?!!!

I still live for being a mother, but my identity is more. Being a mother is what I consider the most important thing I could do with my time and energy at this time in my life. It is a sacred duty in fact.

“When God wants a great work done in the world or a great wrong righted, he goes about it in a very unusual way. He doesn’t stir up his earthquakes or send forth his thunderbolts. Instead, he has a helpless baby born, perhaps in a simple home out of some obscure mother. And then God puts the idea into the mother’s heart, and she puts it into the baby’s mind. And then God waits. The greatest forces in the world are not the earthquakes and the thunderbolts. The greatest forces in the world are babies.” -E.T. Sullivan

Don't you love that quote!!! I know being a mother is the greatest purpose. I know being a mother is my calling, a beautiful duty from God to raise these beautiful spirits, including myself too. That girl inside of me needs to have joy and have her needs taken care of as well.  I claim that my kids can have all the love and nurture that they need while at the same time giving that girl inside me everything she needs. I claim that life is AWESOME and that there is joy everyday to be had for me and the kids...even if it means skipping nap time (or some other horrendous thing that might not be the perfect thing for the kids)!

Your turn- when you became a mom did you have to go through your own process of coming to find yourself? Or re-discover your identity? How did you find your balance of taking care of you while taking care of the kids?! I'd love to hear it :) Please share <3

P.S. Our latest outing together: dressing up as cows- Grant LOVED this! And E slept in her infant car-seat next to us as we had our little mommy son date. And it was so fun! And we got free food! 

When I asked him later what his favorite part of our day was (we had gone swimming this day) he said dressing up like cows! I know, I was like, really? Dressing up like cows and waiting in the crowded line was more fun than SWIMMING? Yep.

The Haircut- Uncovering Me

Hair.
It's such a thing.

Specifically as a woman, hair played a big role in how I viewed myself. And as I came to find out, it was part of my identity!

I've always had fun changing up the color and doing different things and I have chopped my hair off a few times, but only once was it too short to put in a pony tail and it grew quickly so before you knew it I had long hair again.

I know I took the plunge a few moths ago and my hair has already grown a little but I wanted to share something from this haircut. I will tell you what- it wasn't just a hair cut, it was an identity shift.

I was this girl:

To this girl in a matter of a few minutes:

Why? Why did I do it?

And I will tell you, people are very opinionated when it comes to hair. I've been quite shocked at how deeply and strongly people feel about not just hair, but MY hair specifically.

I knew I wanted to do it. Chop it off. I had been wanting to forEVER! I set up a time with a friend and I remember in the shower that morning still struggling with the idea. And I was praying. I really wanted to do this. For me. I wanted to see who I was, without the identity my hair gave me. This was a real thing. To let go of something that defined me. That made me look and feel beautiful as a woman and even a person. To take away part of me- but my hair wasn't "me". So who was "me"? I really wanted to know.

So I did it! I chopped it ALL OFF!

Pretty much felt naked. Like wow.

That was a lot of hair!

My little boy cried and threw a fit- he did not like that his mom was different now. 

Jay's reaction was just to kind of ignore it.

I had my in-laws applaud me (they both have had short short hair) and welcome me to the land of short hair people which was a fun part of this process.

Then I had to go out in the world- to church and social things where people would stare at me blankly and come up with creative things to say because you can't just not say anything when something this big happens- it becomes like the elephant in the room- you have to say something- so I got a lot of "You are so brave." "How could you do that?" kind of talk which was fine.  I didn't cut my hair for compliments. Then I had friends who were brutally honest with me saying things like "You should grow it out." "I like it better long". 

And finally my grandma, who I knew would love it of course did and proceeded to tell all of my cousins that everyone needed to cut their hair- "Have you seen Aubrey's haircut?" she would ask beaming and nodding encouragingly that they do the same. That's always fun to laugh about with the cousins- Grandma and her love of short hair- of course everyone had the pressure now! ha ha!

For me, I didn't do it for the look. I did it because I wanted to do it. Because I wanted to figure things out. Because I wanted to change.

So then came the next few months of really seeing me. My hair had been in the way for me. I don't think everyone gets confused and there are many who can see who they are through things like hair but for me it was like ripping away this image I had for the world. I wasn't what I looked like anymore. I had to figure out who I really am and what I really believe about myself and life.

Do you believe a haircut could really do this?

I have NO idea if this is what other people go through when they first cut their hair like I did but wow. I just can't believe all the baggage and emotions my hair held for me. My worth. My beauty. My perception of myself. My value as a friend. My value as a person and a woman. My "womanhood". Everything went up for question and I got to address a lot of these things one by one as they arose. 

And I'm still working on it!

What did I discover? What did I learn about myself?

So much. Maybe I will save that for another post. But for now, I'm just so grateful. So grateful I got to call into question so many things and face them. I feel like I might actually discover who I really am.  And now it doesn't really matter what my hair looks like for me to see her- to see me. I don't want to let things like hair get in the way for me to see myself or others. Who we really are is so much more.

What if we could see who people really were without distractions like how long or big or beautiful someone's hair is? Or anything physical for that matter. What if we truly could see others and ourselves for who we are inside? Wouldn't our world be completely different?

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

-----C.S. Lewis

Can I just tell you how special it is to know that we are children of God? I am a child of God. A God who loves us and sees us as we are. It is so important for us to find out what God sees of us. That we can talk to him. He can and will talk to us. He can let us know how He sees us. That is the goal here-

How does God see me? I want to see that!!!

I know God lives and loves me and loves each of us. I see Him showing up in my life through others in ways I never expected. I'm so thankful for His hand in my life showing me and challenging me to let go of things and turn to Him for things like letting go of my hair and asking Him to show me my worth and who I am.

Like I said, still working on it but it's a fun ride!

What I Know

I want to tell you something. 

I was raised in an LDS home. With a loving mother and father who taught me beautiful things. The taught be about Jesus and love and principles of the gospel. I was baptized as a member of this church when I was 8 years old. I was taught that God is my Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me. Who will answer my prayers. Who speaks to me through scripture and that I can ask and receive inspiration and answers from Him. That Jesus Christ died for me; that through His atonement I can become whole and repent of any wrong-doings. That I can have peace in my life because of Him and though Him. My whole life I have sat in sacrament meeting wanting so badly to boldly declare to the world that I KNOW this gospel is true. I watched so many people go to that pulpit and say it like they really knew. How could they know? How could they say they knew it? I mean, maybe you feel good about it, which I did, and believed it, which I did, but to say you KNOW it? Come on. I didn't think they were lying- I believed that they knew, but I also couldn't fathom actually feeling that way myself. I did bear my testimony a few times using that word "know" and I didn't know. I was hoping I would feel something and know that I know, you know? ha ha.

Well, I can't believe I'm going to use that word- "know". But I have to say it because I am SOOO excited about this!

That I existed before this life.

That I will exist after.

I know it.

That while I'm here breathing and living in this body, that there is something else to me. 

I am a spirit. I am a spirit that has a physical body. Here and now. And after this body dies, I will still exist!

It's just so cool to feel that. To know it and feel it. 

I'm so grateful to know this. It's funny to have something you believed in and "knew" actually FEEL like truth. To feel the truthfulness of this knowledge is amazing. I love it. And I love that I've been taught that my whole life and here I am actually being able to say that I KNOW it! 

Also, I now know the most life changing thing:
I know Jesus Christ is real.

He is REAL. So real.
I have always asked and wanted to know that and to be here today just knowing it is so wonderfully exhilarating because that means the atonement is real. That means I can use this power in my life to change. I've always believed other people when they have told me they know He is real but for me to feel that is life changing. I don't understand how everything works but I am beginning to see that He has suffered for me and I can give my pain to Him. That He can heal me. I can become whole. I wish everyone could feel what I feel about this in my life.


Where once I looked and followed light
blind and dark but yearning
Now I have a candle within
and know that I am learning
That Christ is REAL!
He died for me.
I feel it in my heart.
So all my soul may now be free
to be who I was meant to be.