Esther's Debut

I can't help it- I love pictures! And these were really special because it's the first time we've ever hired anyone to take our pictures. So I had to post some before Esther's birth announcements are out because I just love them!!! They turned out beautiful.

This picture is so perfect. So handsome my husband is and so awake and aware and beautiful my baby is. 

How sweet are father/ baby photos? Seriously.

I love sepia on this one. It's just such sweetness.

So safe in daddy's arms.

Okay and Grant- give me a break! How do people get those pictures of their toddlers smiling and happy and kissing the baby? Come on- we worked hard for smiles but it's only with dad that he will crack.

I love her curled up feet and how cozy she gets being in a little squishy ball. 

hat box and bonnet- these ones are cute but I'm saving my favorites :)

She's so perfect.

Welcome little girl. 

Esther's Personality and Uniqueness and Physical Characteristics- 2 Weeks

Here are some interesting things about our new little girl:

1. She sleeps at night. *cross fingers this doesn't change* but this is AWESOME! Nurses maybe 2 or 3 times at night. She cluster feeds before bed and when she wakes up so I think she makes up for it- so cool. The only reason I am possibly sleep deprived is from my own stupidity staying up 'til 2 in the morning- really? I feel invincible since she sleeps so well- bad idea- it's catching up with me. I'll start getting smart- really.

2. She always has her hands by her face. So sweet. So cute. Always curled up by her cheeks or mouth or holding on to my shirt when I have her wrapped up. It just makes you feel like she's reaching out and feels comforted just knowing something is there to hold on to.

3. She is definitely comforted by my smell. I love it. I love wrapping her up in a little ball on my chest and carrying her around with me as I help Grant, eat, whatever it is. I just need more back muscles is all- something I am for sure planning on strengthening so I can have better posture/ hold baby without aching.

4. I have had almost every person we encounter who is around Esther for more than 10 minutes comment to me about something:
      Smiling.
"I know babies aren't supposed to smile yet...but I am pretty sure she just smiled for me/at me/because of something I did". That is what people say. I remember with Grant, I always said that- "Look, he's smiling!!!!" And people would shoot it down saying it was gas or something. But with Esther it is different. She responds. Her smile isn't random. It is because someone just talked to her or sang to her. I know it is and it's amazing that other people recognize that as well.

5. Her eyes look blue- so blue- just like Daddy's. I know this can change but I also know Grant's eyes never looked like this- this blue. They are beautiful eyes.

6. She is just a calm baby- I hardly ever hear her cry- she did yesterday because I was in the shower and she had to burp I think as I was washing my hair and her cry was so weird to hear- it made me realize I really don't hear it- "so that's what it sounds like" I thought as I listened. She's just so calm and content about life- even when I EAT CHOCOLATE!!! Which I've been going on a chocolate kick because every cell in my body is celebrating/reveling in the fact that I can eat chocolate and part of me is wondering if it will last or if I'll have to quit in a few weeks or what so there is chocolate every single day as part of my diet.

7.  It looks like her skin is like Grant's: that olive color! So beautiful. So lucky. I always wanted skin like that- those lucky little kids.

8. She makes monkey noises. I don't remember Grant doing "Oooo ooo ooo" noises. And she sounds like a little puppy a lot of the time- which I think is normal for a baby- you just forget all the weird cute funny noises they make.

9. Something else I forgot: newborns are EASY Peasy lemon squeezy. Really. Compared to a 2 year old? My goodness and especially because I "know" what I'm doing now- everything isn't brand new to me anymore but really- they mostly just sleep.

10. This is more about me but I feel like I know so much more now and can recognize little things I had no clue about with Grant. I know when she needs to burp or have a diaper change and when she is hungry. It's so nice to know these things and to be better about planning when to leave the house- it does take more planning (nursed? check. diaper changed? check. wrap up? check. change G's diaper? check. snack for G? check. shoes and sweater on for G? etc.) It takes longer to get ready to go but that's okay.


Well, we've spent a week away from home just about and I'm just about ready to just go home and start learning how to do it all there. I'm just ready to get a routine down and now the park is open that is right outside our door practically and the weather is nice so Grant can go play outside (more accurately: I feel like going outside) and just kind of getting back to real life.

Week 2 Postpartum Esther

Highlights:

1. We made it to my brother's wedding on March 8th in Manti!!!  Story: I have given my brother a hard time about having his wedding on the 8th when my due date was the 11th so when I had the baby early he called the hospital and told me that he knew it would work out- he was right! Then, I realized on the night before that my temple recommend had expired in February! So I did some calling around and the Bishop and Stake President met with me Friday night and then we drove down to my parent's house so we could be a little over halfway to Manti. I won't bore you with details of how horrible it was for Grant- the baby was great! Newborns sleep so well! I am so happy she does so well in the car seat. Poor Grant. Poor Jay. So Jay got to watch the kids while I went to the ceremony. I am so happy I was able to make it to it though- it's so special to just be there and see your little brother and new sister get married in the temple and be reminded of how special it really is. I wish Jay could have been there- I just didn't want anyone holding the baby. That plan didn't really work out but come on...who can resist a little tiny itty bitty baby? I know it's hard and I love my family so it was hard to not just show her off and share the baby love. It was special to see my grandma hold her though- I need a generation photo! Hello! Why didn't we think of that???! Next time perhaps. 
2. We also made it to the reception! This is where Grant really lost it in the car- he didn't sleep at all and was sooooo tired but "luckily" there was a candy bar there....yah...anyway this was a special day and unique in a lot of ways. I don't know if we will choose to make it that long of a day again for Grant- it was pretty rough but we had help from aunts and uncles and my mom and dad were happy to distract Grant and he still had some fun there- he started a dance party which was super cute. It's fun having two kids- but also extremely difficult if you are going to be in the car for 5 hours at a time---- I just wouldn't recommend it. Ever. If you can, avoid it, at all costs.
3. Talking cloth diapering. I started getting discouraged because talking to a bunch of people about it lately has seemed like they just don't get why I would do that. Why spend more time doing diapers when you could do the disposables so easily? Well, to me, it's obvious: save money, they are cuter and better for baby's bums and the environment. Plus, I don't know, it just feels good to me to feel like I'm doing something at home that makes things a little better for everyone all around. My job is at home so if I can save some money at home doing what I am doing anyway- changing diapers and doing laundry- why not? And the covers are so cute and it really is easier than you would think. Anyway I was feeling kind of bad about it just because of people's reactions to it so Jay and I talked and he said that the money we save doing that should go towards something awesome to make us really excited about the money we are saving! So, we are starting a vacation fund. Every month I do cloth we put the money away and save it for something fun that year. So now when people ask I have something awesome to tell them even if I would have done it anyway. It is excited to think we could do that though. 

Physically: I feel pretty good- tired? yes (my fault though- has nothing really to do with not having the time at night to sleep- just my choices of staying up late). The only real problem has been pooping. TMI? Probably- sorry- but really I like recording real life and this is real. I have been really trying to figure out how to not make it so painful- I need to drink more water and eat more fiber...something! Because I dread it soooo much- it's worse than anything I can imagine. Is this just something that moms just deal with after birth- I never hear people talking about it (well, it is something you probably wouldn't talk about normally huh? "How's pooping for you? Great! I ate blah blah blah today and my poop was awesome!" Maybe guys talk about this more than women but really? Come on- there has to be some secrets somebody knows about to help postpartum mamas!)

Then, my back is having those problemos again. boo. I went to the chiropractor before the wedding and she could barely move me because I am soooo tight. Well, I am breastfeeding and trying to figure all that out and holding a new baby while you feed is hard to have good posture because I feel like they pop off a lot easier and then you have to latch them back on. Then, I try to recline but I have a toddler who sees that as an opportunity to practice climbing on baby and me! I think I need a good recliner or I am going to die. Okay- it can only get better from here right? 

A positive thing is I can fit in most of my clothes again! I still have 20 pounds to lose to reach my pre-birth weight but I'm not that concerned about that because it seems that I get the lucky draw of being someone who loses weight from breastfeeding so yay for that! Plus having a toddler nursing and a baby? I mean I could probably eat so much- what is it? Like 500 extra calories for breastfeeding baby? So I could safely bet on 800-1000 and probably still lose weight. I really am not worried to much about that at this point though-and you can tell by what I am choosing to eat- it's been fun but I am ready to at least get those calories with healthier options.

Emotionally: It feels so right to have the baby join us- it feels so normal and perfect but at the same time I am realizing that somehow I need to figure out how I'm going to keep up with everything. Something has to go- at least for a while. So I think that might be my computer time. Really, I don't know how much time I spend but Jay and I talked about it and I think Sundays will be my time to spend an hour or so and blog and check emails etc. I just have to keep the laptop tucked away otherwise Grant just wants to watch Bambi and Three Pigs and De Wolf all day and I've tried emailing but Grant loooovvvves practicing his letters and numbers on the keyboard and like I said, he loves climbing so he'll just climb all over. I think I also have to give up make up for a while and doing my hair...darn it because it's so fun sometimes to look pretty. Jay says he likes the no make up look...plus we save money doing that so awesome! I think I have a new staple for doing my hair: just french braiding/twisting it up and wearing it down and curly later in the day or the next day- it seems to work fairly well with no curling iron required. 

Esther: Bitty Bokeh Photograhy

We went and got some pictures taken of the baby! Here's the ones the photographer put online and said we could share her little preview of these beautiful pictures.

So precious and perfect. I'm excited to see the rest.

First Week With Baby Girl

I don't know where to begin other than to say:

What was I worried about?

It feels so natural. So normal to have her here.

I can't believe how it just feels like she just belongs here and this is how it's supposed to be.

She is such an angel. Oh my goodness. Every night I get 8 hours of sleep. WAAAAY more restful than the hospital where the nurses have to come every hour to push on your stomach and get stats on baby and me- then someone calls or visits and then night time the babe did not sleep well meaning I got like 5 hours total sleep in a 24 hour period. That was pretty not cool. But then I get home and she sleeps so well at night. Something I never could have imagined- I mean I wake a few times to nurse and maybe change a diaper and go myself but really? Is this even possible? I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

My mother-in-law has been here to help cook and clean and keep up with things while we get things organized and make room for the baby- so I've been taking it pretty easy and shopping for things we need to help make room for a little baby girl.

We needed sheets for the mattress my aunt gave us so we can continue to co-sleep safely. And we had to get a little side- bassinet thing for the little one. She doesn't like it very much but we'll see if that changes over time.

We of course really have no girl stuff around here that belongs to us (we have a few things we have borrowed from family). I had to go get a bunch of pink, especially after I heard about an amazing sale on baby clothes-this used kid's store ($1 per item) and all the clothes I got were practically brand new. I feel so blessed. I found some really cute stuff! Oh man, I am going to crazy dressing a girl! I need to make a bunch of cute headbands or something- This is too much fun.

Overall a really great first week. She hardly ever cries. She used to when we'd change her diaper, but she doesn't even cry then. She's just so  content and my mother-in-law and I agreed that she seems to smile- like actually smile. I don't want to really believe it but it really does seem so. She's so adorable and chill and like I said, she just belongs here with us. It just feels so perfect.

Grant even held her for about 5 seconds- he looked so happy that he was trusted with this.

Then, before he could really even smile about it, he was done.

Both sleeping! So awesome!

Dad- he keeps saying she looks cute, but newborns looks so weird with the wrinkly skin and curled up positions- ha ha- she looks like an old woman sort of ha ha. 

Sushila loves the baby.

She's waving! 

Esther's Birth Story

Esther's Birth Story

Around 35 weeks I had big energy burst and felt like I was "nesting"- so that threw me off because I nested last time just a few days before meeting Grant.


All of a sudden around 37 weeks I got sick! Sore throat and congestion- making it even harder to sleep at night than just with a huge uncomfortable belly and having to pee every couple of hours at night. Ugh. I will not miss that. So when 37 weeks and 3 days came it felt like my "due date" because that's when I had Grant. I was feeling like the baby would never come, but at the same time I was happy that I didn't have to labor being sick and was hoping to feel better when that day came.

Oh and Grant started singing "Happy Birthday" and I thought for sure he was in tune with something and knew it- but then no baby. The next day, same story. "Happy Birthday to you!" he sang loud and clear. And the next day and the next day.

Then I started feeling like I was just waiting and waiting- every Braxton hicks contraction I would glance at my watch "just in case" this was the real thing, I wanted to know how long my labor would last. I wanted to time it- but every time it just would stop or be sporadic throughout the entire day- on and off kind of thing.

Sunday Feb. 23rd:
I talked to my father-in-law, still not feeling the best (sore throat still) but I said that I wanted to take Grant to the zoo for the last free day they were going to have this season- the weather was beautiful and I wanted to look forward to something instead of just waiting because it was torture. So he said both him and Jay's mom would try and meet us for our zoo day and that really helped my mentality change to be able to do things.

Monday Feb. 24th:
Contractions on and off again all day. I just didn't feel like doing much and we ended up running some errands with Grant in the evening and decided we better go out to eat somewhere. I was having contractions every 15 to 20 minutes pretty consistantly so we called Jay's mom to be ready to come out in case we have the baby that night.

Around 6pm, we decided going to The Crepery and I got the most amazing crepe ever- it was chicken and bacon and avacados with a dill cream cheese filling and yum! I gobbled it up like I'd never eaten before and had to have another one. So Jay goes up and tells the guy that we think we are having a baby that night and I need energy so he's buying another one. I was thinking that it really was going to start and was super excited but I kept just telling myself that this has been happening all the time lately and could totally not be it so "STOP IT!!!" Then we went to the library and stocked up on movies for Grant in case whoever was here watching him would have something to soothe him with if nothing was working. (Awesome idea!!!)

8pm we get home and start getting ready for bed and I feel like the contractions are just staying around and getting more frequent- I am starting to really believe I might meet my baby.

9pm I am nursing Grant and I was getting down on the bed and was halfway down and a contraction hit! OW! This one meant business and I was not in a comfortable position and Grant was launching his body towards my breast to latch on for his little nightly soothing snack. After it passed (it was only like 15 or 20 seconds) I laid down and nursed him for a little bit but I was not comfortable at all when a contraction would hit so I had to leave- I let Jay sing to Grant and try and put him to sleep without me- I think Grant was very confused but it's happened before when I've felt overwhelmed and I knew he would be fine.

10pm I filled up the tub and blew up a garbage bag to lean on in the tub. Ahhhh. So relaxing. It felt amazing and the contractions were easy to handle in the tub. I was listening to my hypnobabies cds on the i-pod but I was still hesitant to listen to the "birthing day affirmations" because I just still wasn't 100% positive but pretty sure so I listened to the other affirmations and it was calming. But then I got bored so I wanted to get out and see if I could try other positions to labor in the living room. Right when I got out another one hit and I caught my breath and started to get nervous. Jay was asleep (Grant wears him out when he has to put him to bed). So I called my "doula" and told her I was scared but after a contraction would pass she would talk to me and I was fine- she said give it a couple more hours. Okay, I thought- I need to go back in the tub.

11pm I just chilled in the tub and started listening to other affirmations about a positive birth experience but I could feel myself feeling a little nervous about having to go to the hospital so I got out again and debated calling Sushila to come over to be here in case Grant woke up. But I didn't want to wake her up if I wasn't going to leave for another hour or so. So I got my "labor-aid" drink (awesome recipe with coconut water and magnesium and lemon and honey to give me some energy- I had just happened to make some that morning because I thought it could be the day).

I went into wake Jay and told him he should come and help me and he looked at me blankly and I left not knowing if he would come or not....he looked pretty out of it but I thought for sure it would click that I was in labor and wanted him to come be with me.

Back in the tub till 2 pm and by that time I was really just getting bored in there and the contractions were stronger and a little longer- I wasn't really timing them but it felt very frequent. I was still getting a complete break in between each one though- which was awesome- I didn't experience that with my first labor- it was pretty much no real break. So that was cool to feel like totally fine in between them.

11:45 pm rolls around and I now have made up my mind that I want to go to the hospital and I was really not wanting to do a natural birth at this point. I think this is when I decided I was getting an epidural. I just was scared and couldn't calm down, even though physically it was hard but I really was getting breaks. Anyway so I go into Jay and tell him we are going to the hospital. He hops up really quick saying, "What?!" He comes out and starts running around. I tell him I am going to call Sushila and Brenda. It keeps ringing and ringing for Sushila and I'm freaking out even more because who are we going to call to watch Grant if she doesn't come?!!! I keep trying and trying and tell Jay to get her husband's cell phone number. I give him the phone and he gets a hold of him and they come over. I call Brenda and tell her I am going to the hospital and we'll meet her there.

I am in a lot of anxiety at this point- maybe from the last minute getting everything in order and freaking out that I'm not going to get a hold of Sushila. Ah!

So we take off for the hospital and I'm doing awesome. I have more a plan this time- wait for a contraction then get out of the car and head inside. I lean on the wall when a contraction hits and I try and breath. It's so hard. I feel like I can't relax or get enough air. I have no desire to listen to HypnoBabies- I just want to get in there and feel better. But Jay remembers me asking him to squeeze my hips and see if that helps during contractions and he does as we are in the elevator and instantly it takes the edge off completely and I feel like I'm able to breath and handle it. Wow, I thought! Amazing relief! It's still hard but it makes it bearable. Totally. Cool. Then we check in- and we hadn't preregistered bah humbug. So I go through a few contractions while Jay answers questions and squeezes my hips (ahhhh...so amazingly comforting). We get through and head towards the room to monitor the baby and check where I'm at. I'm really hoping this is active labor. They are regular but really not that long (still less than a minute) so I was concerned if I still had a ways to go. We get in the room after a few more squeezing the hips through a couple more contractions.

Once I'm on the bed I hate it instantly. It's not fun anymore and I'm so uncomfortable. I'm at a 6 though! Yay! Active labor-same time I came in with Grant's labor. They have to monitor for 20 minutes, I don't think I'm going to make it, I really start freaking out and not caring about relaxing- it' just hard. Then my doula, Brenda, shows up and helps me breath and she tells me I'm doing great. The nurses ask if I am doing natural and I hesitate because in my head I'm thinking "HECK NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? Who is dumb enough to want that? Why do I always think I want it and then when I'm here, it's clear there is no way in heck I am going to do that." I hesitate in my response because I don't want Jay to feel like he's failed me or I don't want Brenda to think she's doing a bad job helping me calm down- I just feel like I'm going to disappoint a lot of people and I might be disappointed in myself and I really just want to hold my baby. I tell them this. "I want to just hold my baby and I don't want to do this anymore. I just want my baby". Instantly Jay gets that face on that he's not doing enough and I can tell Brenda puts on her "game face" that is determined to "help" me. But it's no use, I already know my mind is made up and was a long time ago in fact. Then I was surprised because all the nurses in the room started telling me that I could do it and that they could break my water and speed things up.

You know, if I hadn't already made up my mind, I think all of this really would have been helpful and I really appreciated it. I just told them though that I was pretty sure what I wanted and that was to just hold the baby and I wasn't calming down and I just wanted the epidural. Honestly, I can see why they were all so encouraging- honestly I do look like I'm holding it together but I was getting to the point where I just didn't want to do it. I had no desire. I wish I did but I just didn't. The desire was gone- it was so hard for me to feel safe and feeling pain isn't fun. I just wanted to hold my sweet baby! I was ready for that. They kept persisting and "encouraging" me but I just didn't want it and I was almost annoyed at everyone for trying to help me because I just knew what I wanted. I wanted the epidural and I couldn't imagine feeling normal getting up out of bed and walking around- now I wish I just would have at least tried it. I could have at any time gotten back up and asked again- but guess what I was afraid of? Getting up and realizing I didn't like it and wanting the epidural and by that time not being able to get it because I would be too far along. I told everyone thank you for encouraging me and that it wasn't like anyone was doing anything wrong (Jay especially felt like this) so I really tried to assure them that it just was something I wanted to do at the moment. I felt okay making this decision. So I told everyone it was my final decision.

They hooked me up to the IV for fluid.

At a last attempt to help me do a natural birth, the nurse said she would check me and maybe I would be close. Okay, fine I said. She said, "Maybe you will be too far along and couldn't even get an epidural."
"What? In a half hour?" "Sure, people can go from a 6 to an 8 in that short of time" she told me.

"She's a 6- the same"

Then everyone let me off the hook and started to get the anesthesiologist. Then I really wasn't into the breathing thing and the contractions really hurt.

Williams came and had me lay on my left side and Jay always has to say how much he hates it- I can't see it and I just want it over. I want to feel comfortable and I just want my BABY!

As he's putting in the junk, I feel hot, hot in my legs and I tell him that and I'm like great something is going wrong! He tells me he probably brushed a nerve to my  leg and that's what that was. Then it was gone. Phew.

The epidural is in. I start feeling better.  A couple more contractions pass and I'm so impatient! Holy cow! Seriously, I can't believe how impatient I am to feel comfortable but it's like I had made up my mind such a long time ago and everyone was trying to help and I didn't want to make them feel bad and they were pretty good about stalling me- too bad my body decided to stay the same for that half hour or who knows? But I was happy when I could feel a contraction but it took the edge off.

The nurse told me she wanted to check to see how far I was and she acted like I was dumb because she left her fingers up there and was waiting for another contraction and then she's like, "Oh, there goes your water" She totally broke it! She really thinks I was going to believe that just happened when her hand was there? Wow- oh well, I didn't care now that I had the epi.

All of a sudden I felt the urge to push. I couldn't stop it. They told me not to push but my body was doing it without me- I had no choice- it just did it. So they ran and got my doctor.

Doctor was there and we were ready to go. Pushing was fun! I could feel it! I just kept thinking, "Wow, this is so different than with Grant- I can feel it, but it isn't painful- I am comfortable."

I could feel the baby coming out! I could feel the baby crowning, I could feel when the baby's head was half way out with the last push of a contraction and the doctor asked if I could give another push and I did- and I felt the baby's head out. I still have to push more? Then the body and I felt this wave of emotion. They told me it was a little girl. Of course she is. My baby.

Immediately they gave her to me and I held her. She might have given one cry on the way to me, but once I was holding her she was just looking around and so content. She looked so peaceful and aware. She looked at me and I felt amazing. I can't ever describe it. I was filled with pure love and joy. So amazing. I just kept saying that. So amazing.

I know- crazy hair lady! But I did just give birth- I honestly don't know how people have perfect hair and makeup and do this thing. This is real life people. She went to the breast right away- hence the cropped photo- but this face is pure joy. I was soooo happy.

I never imagined a medical birth feeling so great- a thousand times more connected with the experience than with Grant's birth. And she was so aware and I got her right away. Then everyone left us alone. Me and Jay seeing our sweet baby Esther. Then she slept and I was just on this high- I felt so good. And I was getting to hold her. They gave us an hour before they weighed and measured her.

Her right ear is bent (from the birth canal? from inside the womb? I don't know but it's adorable).

That ear. We kept saying she looks just like Grant- I felt like I was having dejavu and holding baby Grant- it was so weird.

I had brought G's photo book- told ya! Twins! Of course not the same exact position but you can see the similarities right?

She has a lot of hair! So fun!

So in love.

Daddy's little girl.

On our way home from the hospital! 

Again, I didn't need pain medicine afterwards- I seriously felt so great and was soooooo ready to head home after a day in the hospital- I missed Grant and that bed gets sooooo uncomfortable.

So happy to be home with my babies.

Meeting Baby- Big Brother Moment

Grant, meet your new sister! She brought you a gift!

He would only look at the book. He might have glanced at me but he refused to look at the baby.

Completely ignored her. But he liked his book from her so....success?

First day:
Grant finally looked at her. But then he slapped her belly and face.

Second day:
Grant was nicer... I think having one-on-one time with mom helped him feel still loved and valued so he started coming over to baby and being soft. We even let him hold her and he felt so important... for about 5 seconds...then he was done.

Third day:
His hits haven't been as hard...maybe he is learning.

Fourth day:
This just might work out.

Fifth day:
I am trusting him more to come within a few feet of her- he still will randomly hit her but it isn't hard and he LOVES kisses from her. I just lean her over to his face and say, "She loves you" (advice from my mom) and he just loves that. Oh and he's great at helping me change her diaper- he'll grab a diaper and throw the dirty one away! (I'm not cloth diapering her yet but we are doing cloth with Grant now and it seems to be working out so far).