On Sleep and Hugs and other Ramblings

Where to begin?

Well for those of you interested in a new mother's findings and thoughts on sleeping here it is:


I haven't been writing about my parenting style is because I really have just been figuring it out as I go. Just starting off with a new baby I was desperate you could say, desperate for someone to tell me what to do, how to do it. I thought I was doing everything wrong and had great anxieties that I was just going to fail as a mother. I remember even wondering if I went to sleep, if my baby would keep breathing in his bassinet next to me. I remember wondering why other mothers weren't just showering me with advice- "Oh yah, just do this" kind of stuff. Come on! I was dying it felt like.

What I realize now is I was fearful. Fear hindered everything. I was scared of this, scared of that- now I'm not saying that you shouldn't be cautious and learn everything you gotta learn and be smart about things but to always be afraid. That's different.

I also remember always thinking, "I thought I would know what to do right now- where are those maternal instincts everyone talks about?!!!"

All I really remember hearing was "You are doing great- it's a learning process- they don't come with manuals- it gets easier-" Right?

Well, wow. It sure was a learning curve and guess what I have finally decided after all the reading/fretting/fearful searching I have done?

Follow my instincts. 

And after I stopped being so fearful, I figured out I do have motherly instincts after all. All that fear was really getting in the way of feeling what I was supposed to do.

Yep. Simple. Fear was always getting in the way of me doing that before and now I feel like I am finally being brave enough to do that. It's hard when your instincts tell you to do something that your sleep training book tells you specifically not to do.

I remember trying this method- I actually wrote about it a while back- the Sleep Nanny book, which actually says to follow your instincts, which I didn't think I had any right?  Well it says to lay the baby down when they are almost asleep but still aware. Then if they start crying stay next to them and soothe them but don't pick them up. I liked this just because I wasn't leaving the baby to cry all by himself in the other room. It worked a few times and was awesome. But one time he cried hard. For a whole hour. I was just sitting there trying to comfort him while he was laying in his bassinet. It became a "power" struggle of sorts- who was going to give in first? I did not want to be the one to be inconsistent and weak and hold him just because he is crying this time- he's going to learn that he can cry and I will give in. He needs to sleep and maybe this is the only way for us to both get some rest.

So what happened? I finally gave in and I picked him up. Immediately he was so tired that he fell asleep almost the second I picked him up. I just looked at Jay in amazement and said, "I guess he just wanted to be held". As the following days passed, I did what I felt was right- I felt he needed to be held.

What Jay said to me was the shift. The shift from following instructions and trying to sleep train my new baby. He said, "Well, sometimes you just want to be held. Everyone needs a hug."


Huh.
True.
Sometimes I do just want a hug. And sometimes I really just need to be held by the one I love. I need that physical closeness. What if I had a hard day and he came home and I said, "Will you hug me?" And he turns and says, "Now, I don't want you to become dependent on hugs from me to learn how to cope with situations- you need to learn to self-soothe and figure it out on your own."

I would be devastated.
And I'm an adult!
This really made a huge shift in the way I perceived my baby crying.

So, after I thought of it in that way, I knew I could never not pick up my child if he is crying and wants to be held- it is what he needs.

I am realizing more and more that my instincts follow the parenting style of "Attachment Parenting" and I realize it isn't an "easy" style for the parent. There are elements that I see are going to work in my favor and others that I see how easy it would be to have it another way but guess what? It's what my gut is telling me to do. I am not letting my baby cry. I am picking him up and holding him.


Oh and I guess I might add as well that I sleep with the baby.

The horror right? What if I rolled onto him or he got caught between the pillows- I felt guilty for a long time about all of that- I thought what a horrible mother I am to be so tired and allow myself to fall asleep while nursing at night. I remember wondering if it was even legal. What if something did happen? I think I still get embarrassed when I tell people that that is how I ended up getting any rest at all was letting the baby sleep in our bed. I had too many nights where I was up with the baby trying to get him to sleep by himself- in our room- right next to our bed in his bassinet that I finally would just nurse and let him sleep next to me.
I have found that I am so refreshed after sleeping this way.
I don't have to fully awaken to feed him when he's hungry and we both can drift off to sleep again.
The baby gets enough sleep this way and he smiles as he drifts off- that smile says it all to me- it says, "This is where I want to be- next to you. Thank you-I know you love me".
And I am very aware of him. I get my sleep but I am not afraid of rolling on top of him- I just know he's there- I am protecting him.
It's like when you know you have something big happening the next day and you set your alarm clock to go off early so you can get ready for this big thing and you end up waking up before your alarm goes off? It's almost a subconscious thing that you were aware that you had to get going on whatever it was that day- it's the same thing with the baby. I just know he's there and I can't really explain it any better than that.

So now I know I am not following books- even books that are good in theory- exactly- I am doing what I feel is right. And it feels good to do that. I feel at peace with myself and with how I am doing the baby thing. And it works for me and my baby. I would never say that this is the only right way because every parent and child and relationship is different and what works for one family may not work for another family or another lifestyle.


Also- I have seen a shift in my thinking now.
I remember the first few weeks rocking the baby to sleep in my arms and thinking, "Wow- it seems like I spend all my time in a rocking chair. This is going to get boring fast."

There are times where I have things I want to do and I just really want to get the baby down for his nap and go do some things. When I'm trying to get him to sleep so I can go do my things it becomes very frustrating fast.
But, when I sit there and look at his sweet face and long hair and perfect round cheeks and think, "I'm not going to have this for very long" that's when those moments are special. That's when I realize this is my life. I am living it right now- holding my little baby. All those other things that I consider living are not really what I want to look back and remember that I did the dishes or laundry perfectly. I want to remember smelling my sweet little boy's head and feeling his warm chubby hand holding my finger.

Yah, I don't get to do things that I once did so easily (Do I ever even put on makeup anymore!?) but now I have things that I never imagined possible. I could never imagine loving someone so deeply. I am sure there is no mother who has felt more love for their child than I do for mine.

And maybe I'm not doing everything "right". But I know that I love him and that's what counts. When you do something out of love is when you know you are doing it right. You still read and pay attention to what other mothers do because that's how you learn. And then you know what works for you and your baby.

I love this not being afraid stuff. It's working out pretty darn good.