Hair.
It's such a thing.
Specifically as a woman, hair played a big role in how I viewed myself. And as I came to find out, it was part of my identity!
I've always had fun changing up the color and doing different things and I have chopped my hair off a few times, but only once was it too short to put in a pony tail and it grew quickly so before you knew it I had long hair again.
I know I took the plunge a few moths ago and my hair has already grown a little but I wanted to share something from this haircut. I will tell you what- it wasn't just a hair cut, it was an identity shift.
I was this girl:
To this girl in a matter of a few minutes:
Why? Why did I do it?
And I will tell you, people are very opinionated when it comes to hair. I've been quite shocked at how deeply and strongly people feel about not just hair, but MY hair specifically.
I knew I wanted to do it. Chop it off. I had been wanting to forEVER! I set up a time with a friend and I remember in the shower that morning still struggling with the idea. And I was praying. I really wanted to do this. For me. I wanted to see who I was, without the identity my hair gave me. This was a real thing. To let go of something that defined me. That made me look and feel beautiful as a woman and even a person. To take away part of me- but my hair wasn't "me". So who was "me"? I really wanted to know.
So I did it! I chopped it ALL OFF!
Pretty much felt naked. Like wow.
That was a lot of hair!
My little boy cried and threw a fit- he did not like that his mom was different now.
Jay's reaction was just to kind of ignore it.
I had my in-laws applaud me (they both have had short short hair) and welcome me to the land of short hair people which was a fun part of this process.
Then I had to go out in the world- to church and social things where people would stare at me blankly and come up with creative things to say because you can't just not say anything when something this big happens- it becomes like the elephant in the room- you have to say something- so I got a lot of "You are so brave." "How could you do that?" kind of talk which was fine. I didn't cut my hair for compliments. Then I had friends who were brutally honest with me saying things like "You should grow it out." "I like it better long".
And finally my grandma, who I knew would love it of course did and proceeded to tell all of my cousins that everyone needed to cut their hair- "Have you seen Aubrey's haircut?" she would ask beaming and nodding encouragingly that they do the same. That's always fun to laugh about with the cousins- Grandma and her love of short hair- of course everyone had the pressure now! ha ha!
For me, I didn't do it for the look. I did it because I wanted to do it. Because I wanted to figure things out. Because I wanted to change.
So then came the next few months of really seeing me. My hair had been in the way for me. I don't think everyone gets confused and there are many who can see who they are through things like hair but for me it was like ripping away this image I had for the world. I wasn't what I looked like anymore. I had to figure out who I really am and what I really believe about myself and life.
Do you believe a haircut could really do this?
I have NO idea if this is what other people go through when they first cut their hair like I did but wow. I just can't believe all the baggage and emotions my hair held for me. My worth. My beauty. My perception of myself. My value as a friend. My value as a person and a woman. My "womanhood". Everything went up for question and I got to address a lot of these things one by one as they arose.
And I'm still working on it!
What did I discover? What did I learn about myself?
So much. Maybe I will save that for another post. But for now, I'm just so grateful. So grateful I got to call into question so many things and face them. I feel like I might actually discover who I really am. And now it doesn't really matter what my hair looks like for me to see her- to see me. I don't want to let things like hair get in the way for me to see myself or others. Who we really are is so much more.
What if we could see who people really were without distractions like how long or big or beautiful someone's hair is? Or anything physical for that matter. What if we truly could see others and ourselves for who we are inside? Wouldn't our world be completely different?
"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
-----C.S. Lewis
Can I just tell you how special it is to know that we are children of God? I am a child of God. A God who loves us and sees us as we are. It is so important for us to find out what God sees of us. That we can talk to him. He can and will talk to us. He can let us know how He sees us. That is the goal here-
How does God see me? I want to see that!!!
I know God lives and loves me and loves each of us. I see Him showing up in my life through others in ways I never expected. I'm so thankful for His hand in my life showing me and challenging me to let go of things and turn to Him for things like letting go of my hair and asking Him to show me my worth and who I am.
Like I said, still working on it but it's a fun ride!
