The Haircut- Uncovering Me

Hair.
It's such a thing.

Specifically as a woman, hair played a big role in how I viewed myself. And as I came to find out, it was part of my identity!

I've always had fun changing up the color and doing different things and I have chopped my hair off a few times, but only once was it too short to put in a pony tail and it grew quickly so before you knew it I had long hair again.

I know I took the plunge a few moths ago and my hair has already grown a little but I wanted to share something from this haircut. I will tell you what- it wasn't just a hair cut, it was an identity shift.

I was this girl:

To this girl in a matter of a few minutes:

Why? Why did I do it?

And I will tell you, people are very opinionated when it comes to hair. I've been quite shocked at how deeply and strongly people feel about not just hair, but MY hair specifically.

I knew I wanted to do it. Chop it off. I had been wanting to forEVER! I set up a time with a friend and I remember in the shower that morning still struggling with the idea. And I was praying. I really wanted to do this. For me. I wanted to see who I was, without the identity my hair gave me. This was a real thing. To let go of something that defined me. That made me look and feel beautiful as a woman and even a person. To take away part of me- but my hair wasn't "me". So who was "me"? I really wanted to know.

So I did it! I chopped it ALL OFF!

Pretty much felt naked. Like wow.

That was a lot of hair!

My little boy cried and threw a fit- he did not like that his mom was different now. 

Jay's reaction was just to kind of ignore it.

I had my in-laws applaud me (they both have had short short hair) and welcome me to the land of short hair people which was a fun part of this process.

Then I had to go out in the world- to church and social things where people would stare at me blankly and come up with creative things to say because you can't just not say anything when something this big happens- it becomes like the elephant in the room- you have to say something- so I got a lot of "You are so brave." "How could you do that?" kind of talk which was fine.  I didn't cut my hair for compliments. Then I had friends who were brutally honest with me saying things like "You should grow it out." "I like it better long". 

And finally my grandma, who I knew would love it of course did and proceeded to tell all of my cousins that everyone needed to cut their hair- "Have you seen Aubrey's haircut?" she would ask beaming and nodding encouragingly that they do the same. That's always fun to laugh about with the cousins- Grandma and her love of short hair- of course everyone had the pressure now! ha ha!

For me, I didn't do it for the look. I did it because I wanted to do it. Because I wanted to figure things out. Because I wanted to change.

So then came the next few months of really seeing me. My hair had been in the way for me. I don't think everyone gets confused and there are many who can see who they are through things like hair but for me it was like ripping away this image I had for the world. I wasn't what I looked like anymore. I had to figure out who I really am and what I really believe about myself and life.

Do you believe a haircut could really do this?

I have NO idea if this is what other people go through when they first cut their hair like I did but wow. I just can't believe all the baggage and emotions my hair held for me. My worth. My beauty. My perception of myself. My value as a friend. My value as a person and a woman. My "womanhood". Everything went up for question and I got to address a lot of these things one by one as they arose. 

And I'm still working on it!

What did I discover? What did I learn about myself?

So much. Maybe I will save that for another post. But for now, I'm just so grateful. So grateful I got to call into question so many things and face them. I feel like I might actually discover who I really am.  And now it doesn't really matter what my hair looks like for me to see her- to see me. I don't want to let things like hair get in the way for me to see myself or others. Who we really are is so much more.

What if we could see who people really were without distractions like how long or big or beautiful someone's hair is? Or anything physical for that matter. What if we truly could see others and ourselves for who we are inside? Wouldn't our world be completely different?

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."

-----C.S. Lewis

Can I just tell you how special it is to know that we are children of God? I am a child of God. A God who loves us and sees us as we are. It is so important for us to find out what God sees of us. That we can talk to him. He can and will talk to us. He can let us know how He sees us. That is the goal here-

How does God see me? I want to see that!!!

I know God lives and loves me and loves each of us. I see Him showing up in my life through others in ways I never expected. I'm so thankful for His hand in my life showing me and challenging me to let go of things and turn to Him for things like letting go of my hair and asking Him to show me my worth and who I am.

Like I said, still working on it but it's a fun ride!

Baby Animal Days

  Baby Animal Days!

We were able to make it to Baby Animal Days this year with Jay!
His class was unexpectedly cancelled and we had planned on going another weekend but they only have the baby bears for the first 3 days.
So our original plan would have been without the baby bears and without Jay.
We were THRILLED Jay could make it with us- we dropped everything Friday and spent the day with the animals.

Grant was soooo excited for the baby bears. 

And the line this year wasn't too bad- only around 45 minutes! Last year I heard rumors it was 2 hours plus and later on in the day it did look about that long so we were glad we jumped right in. Well, Jay stayed in line while me and the kids played games, watched people fish and held baby turtles! That was actually Grant's favorite part of the whole day- those baby turtles were only 1 week old.

So so small! 

Funny random story: my aunt as a baby was said to have eaten a baby turtle. One of my other aunts or mischievous little uncles- or my even my own mother- gasp- must have brought it to her and she ate it.  Totally disgusting and horrifying as a mom! AH!

 We made it back to Jay who stood faithfully in line and told him of our wild adventures. Then we got to see them. Oh they were so cute.

Esther would not stay in line like all the other kids-------------Look at that excitement on G's face!

The baby bears were soooooooooo cute! Drinking milk, rolling around and sleeping- just like a baby.

So cute!

Esther didn't want her bunny- she wanted Grant's- just like everything else in our normal everyday life- she has to have what Grant has.

He did really good with the bunny- so happy!

Train ride! I don't know why kids think it's so fun- but I remember thinking the same thing when I was little.

Reindeer, yak, baby pigme goat 1 week old.

Esther meowed at everything.

Esther does make the proper noise for a horse- the part where they snort. Yep- she rocks that noise.

Hay Ride to see the buffalo.

This sheep had a lot to say to me. We had a good conversation about..... something... wish I knew.

This day was probably one of the funnest we've had as a little family. Grant was old enough to really enjoy everything and Esther napped during lunchtime. Jay and I made some new friends and saw old friends too as we ate yummy food and it wasn't too hot. It was just relaxing and FUN. We've needed this. It was pretty much a perfect day. 

Esther Photo Shoot 1 Year

My friend has a nice camera (and lens!) and was so kind to let me borrow it for Esther's pictures. It too me a month to finally get everything together (then we didn't even end up using the pvc pipe backdrop Jay made- oh well!) Esther was sick for 2 weeks, then teething CRAZY last week so she is 13 months in these but she pretty much looks the same as 12 months! (I was so stressing out that I wasn't going to be able to capture her exactly the way she is at 1 year- once they grow- that same exact look is gone- you know- her hair falls a little different, her teeth a little different- everything is just so constantly changing!)

After everything I'm so glad we got some cute photos of this angel.

I had to get her a cat for the big day! She's always meowing.

Not too keen on smashing...

She loves bubbles!

I had fun with the color editing on this one- just look at those lips! 

sweet curls

an always will smile for daddy- even when she's done and grumpy.

Esther the One Year Old

Esther Joy

1 Year

Esther has many names around here:
Sparkles.
Fun.
CRAZY girl.
Dancer.
Cat.
Baby boo.
lil' giwrl. (Grant when he's being sweet to her)
Goo-goo (I call her that- I hate it- I think it's the dumbest nickname ever but for some reason it continually rolls off my tongue when I'm talking to her.)
Wiggle worm (she squirms around on the floor with her face flat on the ground- it's super weird and adorable at the same time).

Favorites?

Food: yogurt and peaches (that's pretty much it- she's kind of been picky- I think because of teething)

Activity: Books- that will always make her smile. She also is enjoying the water table we just got and the sand box. She also LOVEs playing "chase" with daddy- he holds her and runs after Grant- I think she likes to be in the middle of the action.

Word: Meow. Seriously. That is just her word for any animal- and she also meows at me when she wants to go outside. And she also has to meow right as she's nodding off to sleep. It's like her thing- she likes talking about it and she's so happy when you talk to her about any of those things that she is referring to from her meowing.

Person: Mommy. She likes dad but it's pretty much mom she wants. I know she likes being around Grant...sometimes.

Article of clothing: SHOES! She loves loves loves her shoes and socks on. And sweaters. Because that means we are going outside! She loves outside.


Least favorites?

Being strapped into her highchair

Oh- she's totally done with the crib. Won't sleep in it anymore- she likes to snuggle as she drifts off and I am not climbing into the crib to do that so we took the mattress out so we can snuggle as she falls asleep.

Strangers- she is totally not liking them. At. All.


We celebrated just us and made a watermelon cake.

 This past year has been one crazy ride but I'm grateful this girl has been here with us. She brings light into our lives and adds so much to our family. Love you Esther girl.

Here's some pictures from last month:

Did you find a book baby?

This one!

first pigtails

she loves color 

more pigtails! she's not a huge fan.

finger painting....

I popped her in the kitchen sink afterwards :)

"EESH!" she copies grant now and says cheese when I get the camera out. so cute.

Helping to wake up Grant- she climbs on him...he doesn't really like that.

That smile!

 Love her to pieces!!!!

Happy Birthday beautiful!

Valentine's Door Hanger

So Jay and I made a craft together!

We moved to a new place and we actually have a front door that you can see- and it's a pretty door- it needed something to celebrate this LOVE holiday. I almost bought something at Walmart but we've been talking about doing more projects together (which I am SUPER excited about! I think I'll have to post our plan for the year).

It turned out super cute! I love making things! 

And then Grant and I decorated the big windows with some hearts. And funny story- so we wanted to see what it all looked like so we stepped out of the house and Grant closed the door. Locked out! I was in disbelief. I was so grateful I grabbed Esther before we stepped outside! We lived at our old place for 1 year with 3 free lock out coupons. Never used one. Then the second week we are here I had to call the office for someone to come let us in. Luckily it was during office hours and my neighbor across the street had their number.  Kind of embarrassing though. Just so glad I wasn't in pajamas running around - we didn't have shoes though- but no snow- eh but still I'm going to be WAY careful from now on. Phew!

The view from the street did look fabulous though :)

Esther 11 Months

 Esther Joy 

11 Months

It works this way. Esther as the 2nd child. I don't think it would have worked the other way around- personality wise.

When I would read to Grant, he would sit there contently as I made expressions and inflections and he would smile.

Esther is a whirlwind. She demands to be read to. "Uhhhh Uuuuh!!!!" is her plea. I had to move the bookshelf out of her room so she wouldn't jump off my lap and break her neck from all flinging herself in despair that we can't keep reading and take a nap.

But really- I had time with Grant- he was my first baby, I had time and attention all for him as he was just patient and content. Esther needed her personality as the 2nd because there is a toddler and if she's going to be read to it's because she makes it perfectly clear that it must be done.

She is demanding. That's the word for the month. Okay, and FUN. I can't not say that word this month as well.

She dances and sings and copies little noises.

Exhibit A:

Her first one was "Uh-oh" and she would say it all day into the night as this and that drops to the ground- on purpose of course, just for the joy of using her words! Then lately it's been wagging a finger and saying "Uh-uh" (meaning "no"). 

From her curly blonde hair, blue eyes, to her "Mater teeth". Have you seen Cars? Yes, she has Mater teeth right now. And her fat playdoe feet! I could watch her all day- oh wait I do and I love it! She is so beautiful and lively.

She is just full of LIFE.

Mater Teeth

Did you know one night I was feeling sad. I was just needing some comfort. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be if God could just send me an angel to give me a big hug. Guess who woke up not 5 seconds later?

At first, I sigh, going, "You have to be a mom even when you don't feel like it" to realizing that God was telling me he sent me an angel. And as I held her and caressed her sweet cheek with mine I felt my Heavenly Father's love.  She is one of my angels. I'm so blessed to be able to feel her little heart beat so close to mine.

She keeps me on my toes. Especially when she is tired. At church today I realized she isn't going to sleep as long as we are out somewhere and there are people.  I could persuade Grant with some nursing but Esther is a different creature. So I brought this tired tired baby to Relief Society with me (did I mention we have 1 o'clock church- right during her long big nap) and she's sitting there blowing raspberries, demanding the lady next to me she must open her bag and see what's inside- which the kind lady let her look and gave her some snacks- which of course are better than the snacks I brought her- and then dancing to the hymns.

I don't think my heart can take it. How can I have been so blessed?

I love you Esther girl and can't wait to celebrate 1 YEAR here at the end of the month!